If it's not one thing, it's your mother

I have serious 'mother' issues. Actually, my mother has serious issues which causes me to have issues with her. I have tried over the years to just accept her for who she is and love her 'cause she's my mother. But, finally I realized in doing so I was sacrificing my own values. The values I have for the way I treat others and expect to be treated in return.

A little history....my mother and father divorced when I was really young, about 3 years old. By the time I was 4 she married my abusive, alcoholic step father. My father died when I was 9 years old. My grandmother who I was very close to died 3 years later when I was 12. That same year my mother divorced the aforementioned abusive, alcoholic step father. So by the time I was 13 I had serious teen hormones and issues. My mother never spoke of my father's or my grandmother's death. She never took me to visit their graves. These are 2 very important people that I lost as a child, unable to make sense of any of it. I was left to my own devices to figure it all out. The result was a child that learned to stuff all her feelings down and never speak of them. I learned that it was not ok to discuss these things. If I ever brought them up it was made very clear that she would not discuss them with me. Along with losing my father, I lost all of his family as well. I never spoke to another family member after his funeral. This would prove to be another subject my mother would not discuss with me. All through my teen years I struggled. I started doing drugs, skipping school just acting out. I was starved for attention. All of this was going on while my mother was consumed with dating. She left me home alone most nights. Her main goal was to find a man. My mother tried to pawn me off on anyone she could. She sent me to a program for girls with psychological issues. It was a 30 day program where we rode on a bus to Big Bend stopping at campsites along the way. We ultimately ended up at Big Bend where we hiked and camped. During this 30 days we had 24/7 counseling. It didn't work. Then she tried more drastic measures and sent me to a camp for girls with psychological issues. I lived in a tent that was built from trees we cut down. We cooked over an open fire. We cut down trees and chopped our own wood for cooking and various projects around our campsite. It was very primitive living. This also consisted of 24/7 counseling. We went to school year round. I lived there for 1-1/2 years. We would get to go home 1 weekend a month. Once I got a chance to go home in addition to this 1 weekend for good behavior. I didn't get to because my mother was going to be on a ski trip with her boyfriend. Once I got home I was a different person. I hated to be indoors. I would sit outside on our back patio and do my homework. I thought more about my future and didn't just live for today. I was still doing drugs, but not as much. I was really working on making good grades at school. I had so many credits that I was able to take 3 classes a day and participate in the work program. I would leave before lunch and go to my job as a waitress at the pizza joint close to my home. My mother even as I was being a better kid tried to pawn me off on her best friend and her husband. I lived with them for 2 weeks. Every day I called my mom begging her to let me come home. I often wonder what my life would have been like had I stayed with them. They were so kind to take me in like they did. They were willing to take me in at 16 and treat me like one of their own. Finally, after weeks of begging I was able to go back home. I had a really bad experience the summer after I graduated with drugs and vowed to never touch them again. This was a turning point in my life. From that point on I began making positive changes in my life. Every year I became a better person.

When I was 25 I read a life changing book 'You Can Heal Your Life'. I had a true epiphany. Oprah refers to this as an 'aha moment'. I had one. The premise of the book is that you are in control of your life. It doesn't matter what has happened to you in your past or who did what to you. You are the one that controls your future. I followed the principals in this book and over time discovered that it was completely true. Ironically enough, my mother gave me this book. After I read it I wanted her and my sister to have the same epiphany. I bought them each a copy and spoke to them about the principals and how they worked and raved about how wonderfully empowering it was. They never had the same aha moment.

My mother and my sister love to wallow in their own self pity. Over the years I have tried to help them both. They don't want my help. I believe they have grown resentful of me for it.

My mother has always favored my sister. She never once tried to pawn her off. I always just accepted this. In 1996 my first son was born. Immediately I noticed the same favortism shown to my niece who was 13 months old. I had accepted whatever crumb of affection my mother threw my way, but when it came to my son, that wasn't gonna fly. So when he was a year old I confronted her with the favoritism. She didn't speak to me for 6 months. She missed his second Christmas. By Easter I could not stand it anymore and I called her. Of course acting like nothing had ever happened. That's the only way I'd be thrown more crumbs. I decided that this was just how she was and I would have to accept it. This continued for years. Favoritism towards my sister and my niece. She would always explain that she helped my sister more 'cause she was a single mom. Ok...sure...that sounds like a good excuse. Well then it so happened that I was divorced and now a single mom. I needed her help. I called her up to ask her to watch my boys for me. I was going to bring them to her on my way to work and pick them up on my way home. As I hear my niece in the background squealing she tells me no. Again, I asked her why she would watch her and not my boys when I needed it. She quickly told me she was not going to argue with me and thanked me for ruining her night. After that all I heard was *click* Again we went a really long time without speaking. I again was the one to call her up after a great amount of time passed and acted like nothing was wrong. This happened 2 more times and I have finally decided that I just can't sacrifice my values to have a relationship with my mother. It is very sad to me. I think of her daily and wish it were different. But, it just isn't.

Now I could sit around and feel sorry for myself, because I have absolutely no extended family. I have had terrible tragedies in my life. I have struggled. I have been treated bad. Instead I choose to celebrate the wonderful things in my life. My husband who is gorgeous, kind, considerate, intelligent, loving, fun and damn good in the sack. My children who are very loving, bright, kind, intelligent and fun. My career. Although it's not fulfilling right now I have hope that it will be in the future. It has allowed me to provide for myself and my family very well. My dogs who are loyal, loving and playful. I have so many things in life to celebrate. I am very proud of myself that despite all of this I have raised 2 very well adjusted children, have a great relationship with my husband and a high paying job that makes me think. I just look at the bumps in the road as lessons which have made me stronger.