The Mask Revisited

I have discussed the mask that some people wear before. Specifically, the mask that was worn by my ex-husband. On February 9th I received an email from his current wife asking a simple question. She wanted to know if there were any control or abuse issues when I was married to him. Considering our relationship now, only making the children available to him one weekend a month because I'm court ordered to, I gave a simple, neutral reply. It went something like this ... the terms of our visitation agreement and lack of deviation from it should answer your questions for you. She wanted more details. At this point I knew what was under his mask had been revealed to her. I responded again and said that I didn't feel that details of our relationship were appropriate or helpful to discuss. But, I urged her to take care of herself and not allow herself to be in an abusive or controlling relationship. A few hours later I got a phone call from her! I was shocked and a flood of emotion overtook me. But, what came to the forefront was the promise that I made to myself. After I escaped a wiser, stronger person from that horrible relationship, I vowed to help any woman in a similar situation anyway I could.

She started by saying she wasn't sure why she was calling. I suggested that she was calling me to receive validation for the way she was feeling. She chuckled and confirmed my suggestion. I proceeded to talk with her for at least an hour. It was cathartic for both of us. I learned that she was living my former hell. This was very upsetting to me. I was really hoping that he had really made some positive changes in his life. In the course of the conversation I was able to fill in some of the gaps for her. Of course he lied to her about me. According to him I was this horrible monster that had hurt him. I was able to confirm her suspicions. I was also able to warn her of how far he will go with the abuse, manipulation and control. She had witnessed some of this, but she hadn't left him yet and that sends him to a whole new level of control and manipulation. She had already figured most of this out for herself and only wanted confirmation.

I spoke to her and her cousin again yesterday. She has followed through with her plans. She has filed for divorce and served him with a protective order. He is doing everything to her that he did to me when I took this action. I'm happy to know that she has a really great support system. Her cousin also told me that it was my words that really made her take action. She was almost ready to go back to him and forgive him yet again. But, our conversation convinced her that was not the right direction. She is strongly proceeding ahead despite him pushing back.

I'm happy for her and sad once again for my boys. This is their biological father. That is such a sad reality for me. I would have never chosen him for their father had I known the truth...what was under the mask. But, at the same time I wouldn't trade them being here, my children for all the pain and suffering I have endured. They are one of the best things to have ever come into my life....wicked double edge sword.

This has also caused me to rehash and relive my past struggles with him as well. It was a solid 3 years of struggle being stalked, manipulated and controlled just because he's the biological father of my children. Which he never cared about in the right way. He's never done the right thing for them. I survived this 3 years of stalking hell without the proper support system. My mother didn't seem to be able to offer any support despite the fact that she had lived a similar hell. I still scratch my head on that one. I can't even imagine how/why she could have done that to me. My friends just didn't understand. I was too busy just trying to survive and be strong for the boys to really seek other support as I probably should have. I received some therapy, but often wonder if I should have had more.

On the positive side of all this
1.)We now have a wonderful man in our life, my husband and step father to the boys. He takes the role of step father serious. He only wants the best for them. He is teaching them how to be responsible, honest, loving, independent, productive men through example. Our relationship shows them how a loving relationship should be. They are well provided for. They are healthy and happy. They are both straight A students. Despite the ugliness of their father, they do have a great life.
2.) I can look back on the times I did everything alone with great pride. Despite being abused, manipulated and stalked I was able to provide a comfortable life for the boys and myself. I maintained a house during this time. I was able to keep them in private school for a while. I was able to hide a lot of the ugliness from them when they were very small so they felt secure and safe. I took the steps to end the ugliness and not allow it to continue. They have been to therapy and the only thing that came of it was that they are very stable, secure children. I am very proud of myself for all of this.

When I get in a funk like I am now, I always like to remind myself of the positive. There is always at least one. That should be the focus. Lessons were learned and I'm stronger for it. The boys will be stronger for this as well.

Busted!!!

Ok, here is a prime example of the monkey boys in action, with photographic proof. This morning I was downloading pictures from my camera and find this......



and this........



Ummmmmm this would be them JUMPING off the furniture in the family room!! What in the world are they thinking? Monkey boys! I guess I can be thankful that there were no emergency room visits as a result, all furniture is still in good condition and they are honing their photography skills.

Please ignore the hideous wires hanging from the t.v. this is a work in progress. Yeah we have a couple of those going on right now :)

Finding happiness at the 'bucks

I read this book a few weeks ago and it caused me to reflect on my current situation. It's an entertaining, feel-good, quick read. But, it made me think about what is really important (my happiness), how easy it is to lose the illusion of prestige and how the big, behemoth company I work for doesn't give a rip about me. This last realization I've known about for quite some time, but I have to be reminded of it from time to time. They do a good job with all the 'we care about our employees' propaganda. The author does a lot of name dropping which could be perceived as annoying, but I think he did this to drive his message home. As I was reading it I was all about quitting my job and going to work for Starbucks. Maybe a re-read is in order....

The tick tock of the clock is painful,

all sane and logical. I want to tear it off the wall. (excerpt from the lyrics of Inside Out by Eve 6) Love that song. I think of these lyrics while I'm sitting at my desk at my new office on this newish project that has no room for me. Everything is being handled by the offshore team. I'm just in the way. This is the new direction...new technology, new methodology, new platform, new database. This is 'the' project to be on according to everybody that's not on it and the management of the project. I don't agree. The management team is comprised of a bunch of ladder climbers who don't know what it takes to get the job done. Due diligence has not been properly done. The full time employees are not learning as they should. There are no mentors for us. The environment is not conducive to learning...just the oppposite. Instead, the offshore, temporarty, contract staff is doing all the work and learning the business rules, the system, the technology, the new methodology, etc. Where does that leave us? Well it leaves me wishing I was more involved. I feel like an outsider at the company that has employeed me.

I'm waiting to hear about 2 other positions within this company. Both of these positions I've been asked to assume by the hiring managers. It's down to formalities...requisition approvals, buget approvals, etc. My 5 year anniversary with the company will be Wednesday...

This week rumour has it we'll hear some news about the future of the company, layoffs, selling off of assets, etc. I'm ready to hear the news good or bad. I expect it to be more of the latter. When it comes to layoffs it seems I have been put in a position to make this easier. I could be let go and the project I'm on wouldn't even notice...until implementation. I believe I'm an integral part of the implementation since I have designed and managed a lot of the back end integration. Oh well, it is what it is. The decisions have been made or are in the process of being made. I now sit and wait for the news.

Meet Chubby

He is the dog of many names. Chubby is his given name, but he also goes by Chubba-Lou, Lou-Lou Bell, Lump-a-Lou, Chubby Love, Chubby the thug and plain ole Lou (said in your best Tyler Durden voice). His very first name was Bobby. When we first adopted him he was called Wing Nut for a short period of time. All this naming I would like to mention was done without my involvement. My creativity only came in after the fact, with the additions that we now call him. To me, he's usually Chubba-Lou or just Lou. And we wonder why he doesn't come when we call him?!? Aside from just being a beagle he's probably not quite sure we're talking to him.

He is under the misguided perception that his little beagle body is not supposed to touch the floor. He sleeps on everything but the floor where a dog belongs.

On the monkey boy's Dallas Cowboy bean bag. Go Cowboys!!!


On the shelf under the old desk. Remember me mentioning my lack of cord management, you can see it here :)


In our bed as if he belongs there. I'm certain he had a little help with the covers though.


On the couch with a nice, fluffy soccer blanket for his little beagle head.


Smiling on the eldest monkey boy's bed. He's so proud of himself. He loves himself!


Ahhhhh! The life of a beagle.


Lou says 'Excuse me, but this is a little harsh on my delicate beagle body!'

Progress

Progress is being made on our office. I love my new work space! This is definitely a work progress. Painting this room and building pieces of this furniture is what kept my mind occupied (sorta) while the boys were with their bio dad for their Christmas visitation. I love the way this furniture looks, but it is very easy to scratch. The wood is very soft. A couple of pieces were damaged during the construction phase by the previous constructor (husband's employee with a bad attitude). Then as we were putting the second desk together we found a defective piece. So we are now waiting for replacement parts to arrive before we can complete all the furniture. Plug for Staples: they are sending us the replacement parts/pieces free of charge! Woohoo Staples. Since I actually work in here we set up my side first. My husband will have the same setup across the room from me. Then we'll be able to hang things on the wall as well. Notice the lack of cords all over the place? That would be great cord management by my husband! If it were up to me it'd be a jumbled mess. Today I will be hooking up my printer...that's the only remaining peripheral to connect. From this you can see the new paint color and get an idea of how the set up will look. I found some boxes and organization things at The Container Store that I want to get to utilize the shelf space better. And look how tiny my monitor looks on that big desk. I need to handle up on that for sure.

Oh Sh*t

That's all I can say when I think about my career, my job, my current employment situation. I work in technology in the financial industry. So the company I work for is getting lots o' press these days. This is press of the negative nature. It's difficult not to buy into all the fear being pushed by the media. It seems that there is someone at the WSJ that is even trying to persuade the perception even more to affect the stock or for some unknown financial reason. I have posted in the past about how I dislike my work environment. I dislike our offshore model. I'm not opposed to offshoring in general. It's just our model seems very skewed. For every full time employee there are 8 offshore contractors. If a full time employee leaves they are replaced with an offshore resource (contractor). At this rate, eventually there will be no FTE's. Everyday there is a looming cloud over our heads of layoffs, buyouts, etc. In an environment where we should be working together and learning from each other often the primary language is Hindi. Ummm I don't know this language, subsequently I'm left out of the knowledge pool. Aside from all these negatives, there are actually some positives or I would have jumped ship. Unfortunately, none of these have to do with integrity, self enrichment, a feeling of accomplishment, advanced technology knowledge or anything one would expect in order to advance in their position or career. I get a nice paycheck, flexibility (I'm able to work from home, take time off as needed), enormous amount of paid time off....hmmm that's about all I can think of right now. So basically I'm there for the paycheck. It makes it hard to show up everyday. I can't help but hear Green Day in my head...

Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.

It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.

Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

Green Day - Time Of Your Life

Happy New Year!

I have been MIA for a while. I had to return to the work force on Wednesday. But, not before I was lucky enough to get a cold from my dear husband. Remember how excited I was about the indoor water park? Well everyone except me has probably already thought of this, that is nothing but a petri dish of germs. Think about it...85 degree wet room with 50 million kids (small exaggeration), what are the odds of a sick one or two being in there? I'm thinking that the odds are HIGH. So we are talking petri dish of germs. Maybe not a petri dish, but there were at least one or two and my husband was oh so fortunate to find them. He was sick when we got home. I felt so bad for him. That's just not fair. I managed to resist for a few days. But, I ended up with the same bug and feeling ill conveniently the day before I was to return to work. Then he felt bad for giving it to me. I didn't blame him at all though.

I was hoping to show up at the office with a new positive attitude about the crappy place I had left almost 3 weeks ago. No such luck, it still sucks and I have been feeling crappy while trying to cope with it all. This is where Starbuck's comes in. That helps tons in feeling better so I had a double dose today. I'm almost feeling normal again. I hope to wake up all better tomorrow!

In other positive news...the monkey boys brought home all A's with only one B on their progress reports. Also, they each had quite impressive Iowa test scores! Yay for them.

Roller coaster

I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the last 2 months. I think the train has finally pulled into the station so that I can step off *whew* Once again I'm learning how strong I am. I'm learning to live with yet another loss in my life. I know these things make me stronger, but it's a bitch going through it.

We weren't trying to get pregnant
Surprise! We're pregnant
Complete change in future plans
Excited thinking of a new little member joining our family
10 week doctor's appointment only to hear 'no cardiac activity'
Left with the emotional and medical aftermath of miscarriage
Looking to the future knowing we will try again
Happy that I'm married to my best friend
Fortunate to have 2 of the most intelligent, well-behaved children
Life is good with ups and downs along the way