Two week wait

So we are full-on TTC (trying to conceive) a child. I sadly suffered a miscarriage on Thanksgiving day in 2007. I have waited the 3 months as instructed by my OB. I have continued taking prenatal vitamins. I gave up caffeine 2 weeks ago. I'm eating as healthy as I can. I have passed ovulation. So now I'm in this 2 week wait period before testing. It's really gonna be 1 week and 4 days, because I'm impatient like that :p So on St. Patty's day, March 17th I'll be POAS (peeing on a stick) to determine if we are with child or not. In the process I'm learning all kinds of new acronyms (TTC, DPO, POAS, CD, etc.) Yippee.

The Mask Revisited

I have discussed the mask that some people wear before. Specifically, the mask that was worn by my ex-husband. On February 9th I received an email from his current wife asking a simple question. She wanted to know if there were any control or abuse issues when I was married to him. Considering our relationship now, only making the children available to him one weekend a month because I'm court ordered to, I gave a simple, neutral reply. It went something like this ... the terms of our visitation agreement and lack of deviation from it should answer your questions for you. She wanted more details. At this point I knew what was under his mask had been revealed to her. I responded again and said that I didn't feel that details of our relationship were appropriate or helpful to discuss. But, I urged her to take care of herself and not allow herself to be in an abusive or controlling relationship. A few hours later I got a phone call from her! I was shocked and a flood of emotion overtook me. But, what came to the forefront was the promise that I made to myself. After I escaped a wiser, stronger person from that horrible relationship, I vowed to help any woman in a similar situation anyway I could.

She started by saying she wasn't sure why she was calling. I suggested that she was calling me to receive validation for the way she was feeling. She chuckled and confirmed my suggestion. I proceeded to talk with her for at least an hour. It was cathartic for both of us. I learned that she was living my former hell. This was very upsetting to me. I was really hoping that he had really made some positive changes in his life. In the course of the conversation I was able to fill in some of the gaps for her. Of course he lied to her about me. According to him I was this horrible monster that had hurt him. I was able to confirm her suspicions. I was also able to warn her of how far he will go with the abuse, manipulation and control. She had witnessed some of this, but she hadn't left him yet and that sends him to a whole new level of control and manipulation. She had already figured most of this out for herself and only wanted confirmation.

I spoke to her and her cousin again yesterday. She has followed through with her plans. She has filed for divorce and served him with a protective order. He is doing everything to her that he did to me when I took this action. I'm happy to know that she has a really great support system. Her cousin also told me that it was my words that really made her take action. She was almost ready to go back to him and forgive him yet again. But, our conversation convinced her that was not the right direction. She is strongly proceeding ahead despite him pushing back.

I'm happy for her and sad once again for my boys. This is their biological father. That is such a sad reality for me. I would have never chosen him for their father had I known the truth...what was under the mask. But, at the same time I wouldn't trade them being here, my children for all the pain and suffering I have endured. They are one of the best things to have ever come into my life....wicked double edge sword.

This has also caused me to rehash and relive my past struggles with him as well. It was a solid 3 years of struggle being stalked, manipulated and controlled just because he's the biological father of my children. Which he never cared about in the right way. He's never done the right thing for them. I survived this 3 years of stalking hell without the proper support system. My mother didn't seem to be able to offer any support despite the fact that she had lived a similar hell. I still scratch my head on that one. I can't even imagine how/why she could have done that to me. My friends just didn't understand. I was too busy just trying to survive and be strong for the boys to really seek other support as I probably should have. I received some therapy, but often wonder if I should have had more.

On the positive side of all this
1.)We now have a wonderful man in our life, my husband and step father to the boys. He takes the role of step father serious. He only wants the best for them. He is teaching them how to be responsible, honest, loving, independent, productive men through example. Our relationship shows them how a loving relationship should be. They are well provided for. They are healthy and happy. They are both straight A students. Despite the ugliness of their father, they do have a great life.
2.) I can look back on the times I did everything alone with great pride. Despite being abused, manipulated and stalked I was able to provide a comfortable life for the boys and myself. I maintained a house during this time. I was able to keep them in private school for a while. I was able to hide a lot of the ugliness from them when they were very small so they felt secure and safe. I took the steps to end the ugliness and not allow it to continue. They have been to therapy and the only thing that came of it was that they are very stable, secure children. I am very proud of myself for all of this.

When I get in a funk like I am now, I always like to remind myself of the positive. There is always at least one. That should be the focus. Lessons were learned and I'm stronger for it. The boys will be stronger for this as well.

Crazy as a loon

I've been a little pre-occupied with life to post. But, I'm back :)

Week before last I was in agile training. It was really good. I learned a lot about the history of software development methodologies that I never knew. The agile methodology is great in theory. We're trying to put it to practical use and ummm it's not quite the same. Could be management...not sure. Anyhooo

Last weekend I had a girls weekend out. My wonderful husband took care of the boys and entertained them while I met up with 12 other mommies that I've known online for almost 10 years. I had never met any of them in person until last weekend. So 13 of us met up in person in Dallas for the weekend. We went to a cowboy bar for the Canadian mommies, rode the light rail downtown to see the JFK memorial, hung out in the hotel and ate and drank and did what we do best...talk. Fun was had by all. We all got along great and put faces and personalities to the online mommies that we had shared so much with over the years.

More about the wonderfulness of my husband, he really is the best. He understands that a little me time is a good thing. I had not had an outing like this for over 12 years bc (before children). I had a lot of fun, but do prefer to be with my family. I missed them terribly.

Now back to the drama at the office. Our project is pure insanity. One of my good friends is having a particularly difficult time. I have spent a lot of time this past week talking her off the ledge. Which reminds me of this scene from 12 monkeys. The whole clip is good, but it is particularly appropriate starting 1 minute 56 seconds into it where Jeffrey says '...for all I know you're crazy as a loon'. Great acting. If this job is taken too serious it'll drive you crazy!!

Busted!!!

Ok, here is a prime example of the monkey boys in action, with photographic proof. This morning I was downloading pictures from my camera and find this......



and this........



Ummmmmm this would be them JUMPING off the furniture in the family room!! What in the world are they thinking? Monkey boys! I guess I can be thankful that there were no emergency room visits as a result, all furniture is still in good condition and they are honing their photography skills.

Please ignore the hideous wires hanging from the t.v. this is a work in progress. Yeah we have a couple of those going on right now :)

Finding happiness at the 'bucks

I read this book a few weeks ago and it caused me to reflect on my current situation. It's an entertaining, feel-good, quick read. But, it made me think about what is really important (my happiness), how easy it is to lose the illusion of prestige and how the big, behemoth company I work for doesn't give a rip about me. This last realization I've known about for quite some time, but I have to be reminded of it from time to time. They do a good job with all the 'we care about our employees' propaganda. The author does a lot of name dropping which could be perceived as annoying, but I think he did this to drive his message home. As I was reading it I was all about quitting my job and going to work for Starbucks. Maybe a re-read is in order....

Meet Chubby

He is the dog of many names. Chubby is his given name, but he also goes by Chubba-Lou, Lou-Lou Bell, Lump-a-Lou, Chubby Love, Chubby the thug and plain ole Lou (said in your best Tyler Durden voice). His very first name was Bobby. When we first adopted him he was called Wing Nut for a short period of time. All this naming I would like to mention was done without my involvement. My creativity only came in after the fact, with the additions that we now call him. To me, he's usually Chubba-Lou or just Lou. And we wonder why he doesn't come when we call him?!? Aside from just being a beagle he's probably not quite sure we're talking to him.

He is under the misguided perception that his little beagle body is not supposed to touch the floor. He sleeps on everything but the floor where a dog belongs.

On the monkey boy's Dallas Cowboy bean bag. Go Cowboys!!!


On the shelf under the old desk. Remember me mentioning my lack of cord management, you can see it here :)


In our bed as if he belongs there. I'm certain he had a little help with the covers though.


On the couch with a nice, fluffy soccer blanket for his little beagle head.


Smiling on the eldest monkey boy's bed. He's so proud of himself. He loves himself!


Ahhhhh! The life of a beagle.


Lou says 'Excuse me, but this is a little harsh on my delicate beagle body!'

Progress

Progress is being made on our office. I love my new work space! This is definitely a work progress. Painting this room and building pieces of this furniture is what kept my mind occupied (sorta) while the boys were with their bio dad for their Christmas visitation. I love the way this furniture looks, but it is very easy to scratch. The wood is very soft. A couple of pieces were damaged during the construction phase by the previous constructor (husband's employee with a bad attitude). Then as we were putting the second desk together we found a defective piece. So we are now waiting for replacement parts to arrive before we can complete all the furniture. Plug for Staples: they are sending us the replacement parts/pieces free of charge! Woohoo Staples. Since I actually work in here we set up my side first. My husband will have the same setup across the room from me. Then we'll be able to hang things on the wall as well. Notice the lack of cords all over the place? That would be great cord management by my husband! If it were up to me it'd be a jumbled mess. Today I will be hooking up my printer...that's the only remaining peripheral to connect. From this you can see the new paint color and get an idea of how the set up will look. I found some boxes and organization things at The Container Store that I want to get to utilize the shelf space better. And look how tiny my monitor looks on that big desk. I need to handle up on that for sure.

Happy New Year!

I have been MIA for a while. I had to return to the work force on Wednesday. But, not before I was lucky enough to get a cold from my dear husband. Remember how excited I was about the indoor water park? Well everyone except me has probably already thought of this, that is nothing but a petri dish of germs. Think about it...85 degree wet room with 50 million kids (small exaggeration), what are the odds of a sick one or two being in there? I'm thinking that the odds are HIGH. So we are talking petri dish of germs. Maybe not a petri dish, but there were at least one or two and my husband was oh so fortunate to find them. He was sick when we got home. I felt so bad for him. That's just not fair. I managed to resist for a few days. But, I ended up with the same bug and feeling ill conveniently the day before I was to return to work. Then he felt bad for giving it to me. I didn't blame him at all though.

I was hoping to show up at the office with a new positive attitude about the crappy place I had left almost 3 weeks ago. No such luck, it still sucks and I have been feeling crappy while trying to cope with it all. This is where Starbuck's comes in. That helps tons in feeling better so I had a double dose today. I'm almost feeling normal again. I hope to wake up all better tomorrow!

In other positive news...the monkey boys brought home all A's with only one B on their progress reports. Also, they each had quite impressive Iowa test scores! Yay for them.

Home Sweet Home

We just got home from a little getaway. We had a great time, but it's always good to get home. We only travelled 50 miles west from home for 3 days, but it felt like much farther and longer. It was a great little time away. We went to one resort which is all decked out with Christmas decor. It is similar to the San Antonio Texas Riverwalk, but indoors. Which is great since the weather was very cold and rainy for Texas. They also have an ice sculpture exhibit there. We stayed 2 nights there, Christmas night and the next. We then mosied on over to the new attraction across the street...a hotel which resembles a lodge you'd find in the mountains with a waterpark inside. It was great fun for all kids, young and old :) We stayed there one night before heading back to the casa.

Funny story from this adventure....

The first night we all struggled to sleep due to a screaming, crying baby in the adjacent room (this is not the funny part). It was so bad that we were worried the baby was there alone. We soon learned that this was not the case. The parents were just very good at tuning out their baby's needs. The next day we heard a replay of the ongoing co-motion. My wonderful husband trucked on down to the front desk and got us a new room. They let us keep the card key to the old room. So once we were settled into the new digs the boys had a brilliant idea. They wanted to exert their independance and watch t.v. w/o hovering parents in the auxiliary room. We agreed. So my husband and I are hanging out in our room sans monkey boys. The husband, being the kid that he is, decides to prank call the boys. He rings up their room. The eldest monkey boy answers....'Hi this is Bill from guest services. I wanted to ensure the room is vacant before we clean it'. On the other end he hears 'It is! *click*'. We are laughing hysterically because we know they are gonna show up instantly. I try to call...no answer. Then we hear *knock knock knock* on the door. He opens the door to find two VERY wide eyed monkey boys. haha That was priceless.



Eating at the River Walk-esque resturant...this explains where the term of endearment 'monkey boys' comes from. AND before anyone questions...they are drinking water!



Monkey boys doing what they do best! See what I'm talking about?



Nothing says Texas Christmas like a Longhorn Santa!!!!



Ice, Ice Baby!!! Isn't he just the cutest?!? The other one is the cutest too, but he just wasn't in the frame!



Yep they are tired of pictures...note the fake smile.



That is ALL ice...so cool.



On to the next tourist trap....see these wands? Step away from the wands if you ever visit The Great Wolf Lodge. OMG....they are the ultimate rip off. But, they'll entertain the kids...



Who'da thunk it.....a waterpark indoors?!?



Indoors...not dealing with the elements! Cool, Huh?



Yep complete with exhiarating slides and all. The eldest monkey boy and I were swirling around in that green and white stripped jobbie there! Awesome fun...we had to do it twice.



Not the best picture, but this is the outside area of the tornado. The eldest monkey boy, the husband and I were out here swirling around on this. It was great fun. I can't wait to do it again.

Under 'the mask'

Unfortunately, you have to always be aware of the mask a person could be wearing. They could be young or old, man or woman. They wear different masks for different reasons. It could be a person with a mask of a helpful friend, until you really need help. When action is needed to back up those words the mask comes off. You realize they were just words. I believe the most hurtful, life changing, devastating example of this would be the person I chose to have children with. He chose to wear a mask and fool me into thinking he was a different person. He wore the mask of someone I could spend the rest of my life with, that could be my partner and that I would have children with. Slowly pieces of his mask began to fall off. The most revealing was the night before I was to go in to the hospital for the birth of my second son. I knew at that moment something had to be done. But, it took a few more years for me to see this unmasked side come out and be strong enough to actually take the steps. The day I filed for divorce his mask came completely off and I was scared. I had actually been married to a monster and had children with him. I used to say that I had been married to the devil himself and didn't know it. He was abusive to me most of our marriage. I was in denial because he would always put the mask back on. It made it difficult for me to believe what had just happened. I didn't want it to be true so I conveniently lived in denial. He stalked me for years after the divorce. He tormented me and used the love I have for my children against me. He tried to turn them against me by telling them lies. He actually had my oldest son really confused for a while. Due to him not following the court orders for visitation he lost his visitation rights for 2 years. He did not see them from the summer of 2005 until the summer of 2007. I think these 2 years were critical in rebuilding my relationship with my oldest son. I don't believe he'll be confused about me again. He's old enough and wise enough to decipher the truth from the lies. But, the monster has regained visitation.

Now since I was not aware of 'the mask' back in 1995 two of the most important people in my life are with the person I dislike and distrust the most for a Christmas visit. It's very hard for me to not worry about them. Over the years he has threatened so many times to take them from me that I still have a fear that he will follow through with that. I try to keep myself busy and just trust that on December 23rd at noon they are where they are supposed to be so that I can bring them home where they belong.

9 years ago today

The cutest little blue eyed baby boy was born on this day 9 years ago and I'm lucky enough to be his mom. From birth until he was about a year old there seemed to be an issue of some sort with this little guy. First his cord was wrapped around him which caused quite a scare. Then he had so much congestion that they had to take him to the nursery and suction him out so he could breath right. I didn't get to see him for the first few hours of his life because of this. Then once we were home he became very jaundiced. He had to be wrapped in a glowing blanket which made him look like a little glow worm. Daily a nurse would come over to take blood to test his billirubin levels by taking blood from his heel. He was none too happy about this activity. All this going on around Christmas time. Next was the scare that he had club feet, off to Scottish Rite we went. My pediatrician was being overly cautious and it was only the way he was scrunched up in utero and his feet were fine. They just needed a little time to stretch out. At this same time it was also noted that his frenulum which secures his tongue to the floor of his mouth was short. It's often referred to as a tongue tie. It caused him no feeding issues so it was left alone at this time. All this and my baby was less than a week old! *whew* Exhausting while caring for a 2-1/2 year old at the same time and a baby-ass man who might as well have been a 3rd child. Next major ordeal came at less than 6 weeks old when he ran a fever higher than they 'like to see', off to Children's Hospital we go. They suspected spinal meningitis. This entailed blood draw, urine gathered via a catheter and a spinal tap. The spinal tap sent him into shock. The tech handed my baby back to me and I could have sworn he was dead. He was white as a ghost and limp. OMG! Everyone cleared the room except someone cleaning up. I immediately ordered him to get the doctor. The doctor returned and gave him fluids in his already hooked up IV (thank God). It took some time, but he returned to normal. They finally sent us home about 5am. All the results weren't back yet so they gave him some IV antibiotics just in case and sent us home as there were no beds available. *sigh* All of that for nothing...everything came back normal. But, I'd rather have tested than not and then he ended up having spinal meningitis. That was a life changing experience though. I really started looking at what was important. My job, that up to that point, I had given most of my energy to became secondary. My family was my new focus. At 3 months old this little baby would not hold his head up when he was pulled to sitting position. This was yet another alarm. We did a CAT scan and various tests to determine he had hypotonia (low muscle tone). But, prior to this diagnosis I was scared to death 'cause it could have meant so much more. Luckily 12 months of physical therapy made all the difference for him. The final major issue with him was at 14 months old he wasn't uttering a word. Upon further examination he had fluid behind his eardrum and wasn't hearing much. He had tubes put in and at the same time had his tongue tie clipped to avoid any possible speech problems. Within a week he started saying those words every mommy wants to hear, 'mama'. From then on he has just been nothing but fantastic. It was a rough first year, but now he is the brightest 9 year old around. He's also turned out to be athletic, not a sign of low muscle tone. He is also very healthy.

I have to say though, he's probably got my strange luck. Somehow a bug flew at his eye and a piece of the wing broke off and embedded itself by his iris. So today, on his 9th birthday, he had to see the opthamologist about it. She numbed his eye and removed the foreign object!!! In his courageous style he sat still and let the doctor take care of what had to be taken care of.

I'm so proud of my cute little blue eyed monkey boy :)

ETA: It may seem as if I wasn't so proud until the rough year was over. I felt it should be said, I thought he was perfect from the moment I saw him.

If it's not one thing, it's your mother

I have serious 'mother' issues. Actually, my mother has serious issues which causes me to have issues with her. I have tried over the years to just accept her for who she is and love her 'cause she's my mother. But, finally I realized in doing so I was sacrificing my own values. The values I have for the way I treat others and expect to be treated in return.

A little history....my mother and father divorced when I was really young, about 3 years old. By the time I was 4 she married my abusive, alcoholic step father. My father died when I was 9 years old. My grandmother who I was very close to died 3 years later when I was 12. That same year my mother divorced the aforementioned abusive, alcoholic step father. So by the time I was 13 I had serious teen hormones and issues. My mother never spoke of my father's or my grandmother's death. She never took me to visit their graves. These are 2 very important people that I lost as a child, unable to make sense of any of it. I was left to my own devices to figure it all out. The result was a child that learned to stuff all her feelings down and never speak of them. I learned that it was not ok to discuss these things. If I ever brought them up it was made very clear that she would not discuss them with me. Along with losing my father, I lost all of his family as well. I never spoke to another family member after his funeral. This would prove to be another subject my mother would not discuss with me. All through my teen years I struggled. I started doing drugs, skipping school just acting out. I was starved for attention. All of this was going on while my mother was consumed with dating. She left me home alone most nights. Her main goal was to find a man. My mother tried to pawn me off on anyone she could. She sent me to a program for girls with psychological issues. It was a 30 day program where we rode on a bus to Big Bend stopping at campsites along the way. We ultimately ended up at Big Bend where we hiked and camped. During this 30 days we had 24/7 counseling. It didn't work. Then she tried more drastic measures and sent me to a camp for girls with psychological issues. I lived in a tent that was built from trees we cut down. We cooked over an open fire. We cut down trees and chopped our own wood for cooking and various projects around our campsite. It was very primitive living. This also consisted of 24/7 counseling. We went to school year round. I lived there for 1-1/2 years. We would get to go home 1 weekend a month. Once I got a chance to go home in addition to this 1 weekend for good behavior. I didn't get to because my mother was going to be on a ski trip with her boyfriend. Once I got home I was a different person. I hated to be indoors. I would sit outside on our back patio and do my homework. I thought more about my future and didn't just live for today. I was still doing drugs, but not as much. I was really working on making good grades at school. I had so many credits that I was able to take 3 classes a day and participate in the work program. I would leave before lunch and go to my job as a waitress at the pizza joint close to my home. My mother even as I was being a better kid tried to pawn me off on her best friend and her husband. I lived with them for 2 weeks. Every day I called my mom begging her to let me come home. I often wonder what my life would have been like had I stayed with them. They were so kind to take me in like they did. They were willing to take me in at 16 and treat me like one of their own. Finally, after weeks of begging I was able to go back home. I had a really bad experience the summer after I graduated with drugs and vowed to never touch them again. This was a turning point in my life. From that point on I began making positive changes in my life. Every year I became a better person.

When I was 25 I read a life changing book 'You Can Heal Your Life'. I had a true epiphany. Oprah refers to this as an 'aha moment'. I had one. The premise of the book is that you are in control of your life. It doesn't matter what has happened to you in your past or who did what to you. You are the one that controls your future. I followed the principals in this book and over time discovered that it was completely true. Ironically enough, my mother gave me this book. After I read it I wanted her and my sister to have the same epiphany. I bought them each a copy and spoke to them about the principals and how they worked and raved about how wonderfully empowering it was. They never had the same aha moment.

My mother and my sister love to wallow in their own self pity. Over the years I have tried to help them both. They don't want my help. I believe they have grown resentful of me for it.

My mother has always favored my sister. She never once tried to pawn her off. I always just accepted this. In 1996 my first son was born. Immediately I noticed the same favortism shown to my niece who was 13 months old. I had accepted whatever crumb of affection my mother threw my way, but when it came to my son, that wasn't gonna fly. So when he was a year old I confronted her with the favoritism. She didn't speak to me for 6 months. She missed his second Christmas. By Easter I could not stand it anymore and I called her. Of course acting like nothing had ever happened. That's the only way I'd be thrown more crumbs. I decided that this was just how she was and I would have to accept it. This continued for years. Favoritism towards my sister and my niece. She would always explain that she helped my sister more 'cause she was a single mom. Ok...sure...that sounds like a good excuse. Well then it so happened that I was divorced and now a single mom. I needed her help. I called her up to ask her to watch my boys for me. I was going to bring them to her on my way to work and pick them up on my way home. As I hear my niece in the background squealing she tells me no. Again, I asked her why she would watch her and not my boys when I needed it. She quickly told me she was not going to argue with me and thanked me for ruining her night. After that all I heard was *click* Again we went a really long time without speaking. I again was the one to call her up after a great amount of time passed and acted like nothing was wrong. This happened 2 more times and I have finally decided that I just can't sacrifice my values to have a relationship with my mother. It is very sad to me. I think of her daily and wish it were different. But, it just isn't.

Now I could sit around and feel sorry for myself, because I have absolutely no extended family. I have had terrible tragedies in my life. I have struggled. I have been treated bad. Instead I choose to celebrate the wonderful things in my life. My husband who is gorgeous, kind, considerate, intelligent, loving, fun and damn good in the sack. My children who are very loving, bright, kind, intelligent and fun. My career. Although it's not fulfilling right now I have hope that it will be in the future. It has allowed me to provide for myself and my family very well. My dogs who are loyal, loving and playful. I have so many things in life to celebrate. I am very proud of myself that despite all of this I have raised 2 very well adjusted children, have a great relationship with my husband and a high paying job that makes me think. I just look at the bumps in the road as lessons which have made me stronger.

Roller coaster

I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the last 2 months. I think the train has finally pulled into the station so that I can step off *whew* Once again I'm learning how strong I am. I'm learning to live with yet another loss in my life. I know these things make me stronger, but it's a bitch going through it.

We weren't trying to get pregnant
Surprise! We're pregnant
Complete change in future plans
Excited thinking of a new little member joining our family
10 week doctor's appointment only to hear 'no cardiac activity'
Left with the emotional and medical aftermath of miscarriage
Looking to the future knowing we will try again
Happy that I'm married to my best friend
Fortunate to have 2 of the most intelligent, well-behaved children
Life is good with ups and downs along the way