Empathy

I often forget that not everyone possesses empathy Case in point, my friend was over tonight. I had some old pictures out on my kitchen table. We started looking through them. They were of my boys when they were younger. Some of them had my ex-husband in them with the boys. I was explaining how I hate seeing those pictures, because they look like he really cares about them. Her response was 'Well this is assuming that he doesn't'. I explained that I really believe that he doesn't. She said 'Well everyone speaks badly about their ex's' OMG this statement leaves me with the impression that she doesn't believe the things I've told her about him. Granted she never met him. But, he's such a manipulative person she would probably believe me even less if she had. She then looked at one of his pictures and said 'Well he doesn't look like a wife beater and a cheater'. I was shocked. I told her that if she ever met him in person she wouldn't think so either 'cause he's very good at being deceptive about who he really is. I'm still shocked by the whole conversation. If he weren't really the way I have said he is I would still be married to him. I sure wasn't jonesing for a divorce! But, he lied, cheated, abused, manipulated me the whole time we were together...even years after we were married because of the boys. He told me when my youngest son was born he never wanted him and that he wasn't his. He was born with red hair and my boss at the time also had red hair so he told me that he was my boss's and not his. Just last week I found out that he is still spewing this same lie. His ex-wife told me that was his story from when he first met her. So it's difficult when someone that is supposed to be my friend would give this monster the benefit of the doubt. I guess that it would take empathy and trust to understand something like this. Or possibly some people would actually have to live through a similar nightmare before they acquired such empathy.

The Mask Revisited

I have discussed the mask that some people wear before. Specifically, the mask that was worn by my ex-husband. On February 9th I received an email from his current wife asking a simple question. She wanted to know if there were any control or abuse issues when I was married to him. Considering our relationship now, only making the children available to him one weekend a month because I'm court ordered to, I gave a simple, neutral reply. It went something like this ... the terms of our visitation agreement and lack of deviation from it should answer your questions for you. She wanted more details. At this point I knew what was under his mask had been revealed to her. I responded again and said that I didn't feel that details of our relationship were appropriate or helpful to discuss. But, I urged her to take care of herself and not allow herself to be in an abusive or controlling relationship. A few hours later I got a phone call from her! I was shocked and a flood of emotion overtook me. But, what came to the forefront was the promise that I made to myself. After I escaped a wiser, stronger person from that horrible relationship, I vowed to help any woman in a similar situation anyway I could.

She started by saying she wasn't sure why she was calling. I suggested that she was calling me to receive validation for the way she was feeling. She chuckled and confirmed my suggestion. I proceeded to talk with her for at least an hour. It was cathartic for both of us. I learned that she was living my former hell. This was very upsetting to me. I was really hoping that he had really made some positive changes in his life. In the course of the conversation I was able to fill in some of the gaps for her. Of course he lied to her about me. According to him I was this horrible monster that had hurt him. I was able to confirm her suspicions. I was also able to warn her of how far he will go with the abuse, manipulation and control. She had witnessed some of this, but she hadn't left him yet and that sends him to a whole new level of control and manipulation. She had already figured most of this out for herself and only wanted confirmation.

I spoke to her and her cousin again yesterday. She has followed through with her plans. She has filed for divorce and served him with a protective order. He is doing everything to her that he did to me when I took this action. I'm happy to know that she has a really great support system. Her cousin also told me that it was my words that really made her take action. She was almost ready to go back to him and forgive him yet again. But, our conversation convinced her that was not the right direction. She is strongly proceeding ahead despite him pushing back.

I'm happy for her and sad once again for my boys. This is their biological father. That is such a sad reality for me. I would have never chosen him for their father had I known the truth...what was under the mask. But, at the same time I wouldn't trade them being here, my children for all the pain and suffering I have endured. They are one of the best things to have ever come into my life....wicked double edge sword.

This has also caused me to rehash and relive my past struggles with him as well. It was a solid 3 years of struggle being stalked, manipulated and controlled just because he's the biological father of my children. Which he never cared about in the right way. He's never done the right thing for them. I survived this 3 years of stalking hell without the proper support system. My mother didn't seem to be able to offer any support despite the fact that she had lived a similar hell. I still scratch my head on that one. I can't even imagine how/why she could have done that to me. My friends just didn't understand. I was too busy just trying to survive and be strong for the boys to really seek other support as I probably should have. I received some therapy, but often wonder if I should have had more.

On the positive side of all this
1.)We now have a wonderful man in our life, my husband and step father to the boys. He takes the role of step father serious. He only wants the best for them. He is teaching them how to be responsible, honest, loving, independent, productive men through example. Our relationship shows them how a loving relationship should be. They are well provided for. They are healthy and happy. They are both straight A students. Despite the ugliness of their father, they do have a great life.
2.) I can look back on the times I did everything alone with great pride. Despite being abused, manipulated and stalked I was able to provide a comfortable life for the boys and myself. I maintained a house during this time. I was able to keep them in private school for a while. I was able to hide a lot of the ugliness from them when they were very small so they felt secure and safe. I took the steps to end the ugliness and not allow it to continue. They have been to therapy and the only thing that came of it was that they are very stable, secure children. I am very proud of myself for all of this.

When I get in a funk like I am now, I always like to remind myself of the positive. There is always at least one. That should be the focus. Lessons were learned and I'm stronger for it. The boys will be stronger for this as well.