Two week wait

So we are full-on TTC (trying to conceive) a child. I sadly suffered a miscarriage on Thanksgiving day in 2007. I have waited the 3 months as instructed by my OB. I have continued taking prenatal vitamins. I gave up caffeine 2 weeks ago. I'm eating as healthy as I can. I have passed ovulation. So now I'm in this 2 week wait period before testing. It's really gonna be 1 week and 4 days, because I'm impatient like that :p So on St. Patty's day, March 17th I'll be POAS (peeing on a stick) to determine if we are with child or not. In the process I'm learning all kinds of new acronyms (TTC, DPO, POAS, CD, etc.) Yippee.

The Mask Revisited

I have discussed the mask that some people wear before. Specifically, the mask that was worn by my ex-husband. On February 9th I received an email from his current wife asking a simple question. She wanted to know if there were any control or abuse issues when I was married to him. Considering our relationship now, only making the children available to him one weekend a month because I'm court ordered to, I gave a simple, neutral reply. It went something like this ... the terms of our visitation agreement and lack of deviation from it should answer your questions for you. She wanted more details. At this point I knew what was under his mask had been revealed to her. I responded again and said that I didn't feel that details of our relationship were appropriate or helpful to discuss. But, I urged her to take care of herself and not allow herself to be in an abusive or controlling relationship. A few hours later I got a phone call from her! I was shocked and a flood of emotion overtook me. But, what came to the forefront was the promise that I made to myself. After I escaped a wiser, stronger person from that horrible relationship, I vowed to help any woman in a similar situation anyway I could.

She started by saying she wasn't sure why she was calling. I suggested that she was calling me to receive validation for the way she was feeling. She chuckled and confirmed my suggestion. I proceeded to talk with her for at least an hour. It was cathartic for both of us. I learned that she was living my former hell. This was very upsetting to me. I was really hoping that he had really made some positive changes in his life. In the course of the conversation I was able to fill in some of the gaps for her. Of course he lied to her about me. According to him I was this horrible monster that had hurt him. I was able to confirm her suspicions. I was also able to warn her of how far he will go with the abuse, manipulation and control. She had witnessed some of this, but she hadn't left him yet and that sends him to a whole new level of control and manipulation. She had already figured most of this out for herself and only wanted confirmation.

I spoke to her and her cousin again yesterday. She has followed through with her plans. She has filed for divorce and served him with a protective order. He is doing everything to her that he did to me when I took this action. I'm happy to know that she has a really great support system. Her cousin also told me that it was my words that really made her take action. She was almost ready to go back to him and forgive him yet again. But, our conversation convinced her that was not the right direction. She is strongly proceeding ahead despite him pushing back.

I'm happy for her and sad once again for my boys. This is their biological father. That is such a sad reality for me. I would have never chosen him for their father had I known the truth...what was under the mask. But, at the same time I wouldn't trade them being here, my children for all the pain and suffering I have endured. They are one of the best things to have ever come into my life....wicked double edge sword.

This has also caused me to rehash and relive my past struggles with him as well. It was a solid 3 years of struggle being stalked, manipulated and controlled just because he's the biological father of my children. Which he never cared about in the right way. He's never done the right thing for them. I survived this 3 years of stalking hell without the proper support system. My mother didn't seem to be able to offer any support despite the fact that she had lived a similar hell. I still scratch my head on that one. I can't even imagine how/why she could have done that to me. My friends just didn't understand. I was too busy just trying to survive and be strong for the boys to really seek other support as I probably should have. I received some therapy, but often wonder if I should have had more.

On the positive side of all this
1.)We now have a wonderful man in our life, my husband and step father to the boys. He takes the role of step father serious. He only wants the best for them. He is teaching them how to be responsible, honest, loving, independent, productive men through example. Our relationship shows them how a loving relationship should be. They are well provided for. They are healthy and happy. They are both straight A students. Despite the ugliness of their father, they do have a great life.
2.) I can look back on the times I did everything alone with great pride. Despite being abused, manipulated and stalked I was able to provide a comfortable life for the boys and myself. I maintained a house during this time. I was able to keep them in private school for a while. I was able to hide a lot of the ugliness from them when they were very small so they felt secure and safe. I took the steps to end the ugliness and not allow it to continue. They have been to therapy and the only thing that came of it was that they are very stable, secure children. I am very proud of myself for all of this.

When I get in a funk like I am now, I always like to remind myself of the positive. There is always at least one. That should be the focus. Lessons were learned and I'm stronger for it. The boys will be stronger for this as well.

Crazy as a loon

I've been a little pre-occupied with life to post. But, I'm back :)

Week before last I was in agile training. It was really good. I learned a lot about the history of software development methodologies that I never knew. The agile methodology is great in theory. We're trying to put it to practical use and ummm it's not quite the same. Could be management...not sure. Anyhooo

Last weekend I had a girls weekend out. My wonderful husband took care of the boys and entertained them while I met up with 12 other mommies that I've known online for almost 10 years. I had never met any of them in person until last weekend. So 13 of us met up in person in Dallas for the weekend. We went to a cowboy bar for the Canadian mommies, rode the light rail downtown to see the JFK memorial, hung out in the hotel and ate and drank and did what we do best...talk. Fun was had by all. We all got along great and put faces and personalities to the online mommies that we had shared so much with over the years.

More about the wonderfulness of my husband, he really is the best. He understands that a little me time is a good thing. I had not had an outing like this for over 12 years bc (before children). I had a lot of fun, but do prefer to be with my family. I missed them terribly.

Now back to the drama at the office. Our project is pure insanity. One of my good friends is having a particularly difficult time. I have spent a lot of time this past week talking her off the ledge. Which reminds me of this scene from 12 monkeys. The whole clip is good, but it is particularly appropriate starting 1 minute 56 seconds into it where Jeffrey says '...for all I know you're crazy as a loon'. Great acting. If this job is taken too serious it'll drive you crazy!!

Busted!!!

Ok, here is a prime example of the monkey boys in action, with photographic proof. This morning I was downloading pictures from my camera and find this......



and this........



Ummmmmm this would be them JUMPING off the furniture in the family room!! What in the world are they thinking? Monkey boys! I guess I can be thankful that there were no emergency room visits as a result, all furniture is still in good condition and they are honing their photography skills.

Please ignore the hideous wires hanging from the t.v. this is a work in progress. Yeah we have a couple of those going on right now :)

Home Sweet Home

We just got home from a little getaway. We had a great time, but it's always good to get home. We only travelled 50 miles west from home for 3 days, but it felt like much farther and longer. It was a great little time away. We went to one resort which is all decked out with Christmas decor. It is similar to the San Antonio Texas Riverwalk, but indoors. Which is great since the weather was very cold and rainy for Texas. They also have an ice sculpture exhibit there. We stayed 2 nights there, Christmas night and the next. We then mosied on over to the new attraction across the street...a hotel which resembles a lodge you'd find in the mountains with a waterpark inside. It was great fun for all kids, young and old :) We stayed there one night before heading back to the casa.

Funny story from this adventure....

The first night we all struggled to sleep due to a screaming, crying baby in the adjacent room (this is not the funny part). It was so bad that we were worried the baby was there alone. We soon learned that this was not the case. The parents were just very good at tuning out their baby's needs. The next day we heard a replay of the ongoing co-motion. My wonderful husband trucked on down to the front desk and got us a new room. They let us keep the card key to the old room. So once we were settled into the new digs the boys had a brilliant idea. They wanted to exert their independance and watch t.v. w/o hovering parents in the auxiliary room. We agreed. So my husband and I are hanging out in our room sans monkey boys. The husband, being the kid that he is, decides to prank call the boys. He rings up their room. The eldest monkey boy answers....'Hi this is Bill from guest services. I wanted to ensure the room is vacant before we clean it'. On the other end he hears 'It is! *click*'. We are laughing hysterically because we know they are gonna show up instantly. I try to call...no answer. Then we hear *knock knock knock* on the door. He opens the door to find two VERY wide eyed monkey boys. haha That was priceless.



Eating at the River Walk-esque resturant...this explains where the term of endearment 'monkey boys' comes from. AND before anyone questions...they are drinking water!



Monkey boys doing what they do best! See what I'm talking about?



Nothing says Texas Christmas like a Longhorn Santa!!!!



Ice, Ice Baby!!! Isn't he just the cutest?!? The other one is the cutest too, but he just wasn't in the frame!



Yep they are tired of pictures...note the fake smile.



That is ALL ice...so cool.



On to the next tourist trap....see these wands? Step away from the wands if you ever visit The Great Wolf Lodge. OMG....they are the ultimate rip off. But, they'll entertain the kids...



Who'da thunk it.....a waterpark indoors?!?



Indoors...not dealing with the elements! Cool, Huh?



Yep complete with exhiarating slides and all. The eldest monkey boy and I were swirling around in that green and white stripped jobbie there! Awesome fun...we had to do it twice.



Not the best picture, but this is the outside area of the tornado. The eldest monkey boy, the husband and I were out here swirling around on this. It was great fun. I can't wait to do it again.

Not so intuitive afterall!

Luckily there was no intuition going on....the boys are home safe and happy! Couldn't ask for anything more.

Intuition?

Anyone that knows me, knows that I'm having a difficult time while my boys are visiting their bio. dad. I have this crazy fear that he's going to hurt them or hide them from me. I believe he's no longer thinking about me like he used to. He used to be obsessed with me and obsessed with exacting revenge on me. He spent a great deal of energy stalking me, finding the meanest, most hurtful things to say to me, threatening me, scaring me, etc. These are no longer his hobbies. He has moved on. He has remarried. So why do I still have these fears. I used to just dismiss them as they would pop into my head realizing it's just habit to worry like this and trust that they'd be ok. What else can I do. It's his right to see the boys. They enjoy going to see him. So I put my big girl panties on and deal with it. But, the other day as I was painting our office not even thinking about the boys really, I had this thought 'those boys are never coming home'. *shock* It was like some sort of intuition. I had the same type of thought weeks before I went to the doctor to find that the fetus in my womb didn't have a heartbeat. The thought played in my head 'we lost the baby'. So needless to say this freaked me out when this came true last time and now I'm having a similar thought but about the boys. So could this be some type of premonition or intuition? Or is it just old programming from the monster who happens to be the boys bio dad. He used to threaten me with the boys when we were still married. This is one thing that kept me from divorcing him sooner. I was scared of what he would do to the boys. I honestly feared he'd take them away, hide them, hurt them...anything to hurt me. So I was programmed to have this fear, which worked in his favor for quite some time. I wonder if that is the source of this? As for the pregnancy loss, I did have some concerns in the beginning, but by the 10th week I felt everything was ok and was no longer worried. So I still think those thoughts show that on some level I knew something wasn't right. Is that Intuition?

Under 'the mask'

Unfortunately, you have to always be aware of the mask a person could be wearing. They could be young or old, man or woman. They wear different masks for different reasons. It could be a person with a mask of a helpful friend, until you really need help. When action is needed to back up those words the mask comes off. You realize they were just words. I believe the most hurtful, life changing, devastating example of this would be the person I chose to have children with. He chose to wear a mask and fool me into thinking he was a different person. He wore the mask of someone I could spend the rest of my life with, that could be my partner and that I would have children with. Slowly pieces of his mask began to fall off. The most revealing was the night before I was to go in to the hospital for the birth of my second son. I knew at that moment something had to be done. But, it took a few more years for me to see this unmasked side come out and be strong enough to actually take the steps. The day I filed for divorce his mask came completely off and I was scared. I had actually been married to a monster and had children with him. I used to say that I had been married to the devil himself and didn't know it. He was abusive to me most of our marriage. I was in denial because he would always put the mask back on. It made it difficult for me to believe what had just happened. I didn't want it to be true so I conveniently lived in denial. He stalked me for years after the divorce. He tormented me and used the love I have for my children against me. He tried to turn them against me by telling them lies. He actually had my oldest son really confused for a while. Due to him not following the court orders for visitation he lost his visitation rights for 2 years. He did not see them from the summer of 2005 until the summer of 2007. I think these 2 years were critical in rebuilding my relationship with my oldest son. I don't believe he'll be confused about me again. He's old enough and wise enough to decipher the truth from the lies. But, the monster has regained visitation.

Now since I was not aware of 'the mask' back in 1995 two of the most important people in my life are with the person I dislike and distrust the most for a Christmas visit. It's very hard for me to not worry about them. Over the years he has threatened so many times to take them from me that I still have a fear that he will follow through with that. I try to keep myself busy and just trust that on December 23rd at noon they are where they are supposed to be so that I can bring them home where they belong.

Sugar in excess

My monkey boys had the best, sugar overloaded, party day at school today. Their parties were timed in such a way that I was able to participate in both. The youngest had PJ's and pancakes for the theme. So they had pancakes, cookies, cupcakes, hot chocolate, sugar, sugar, sugar!! I looked over at him at one point and asked him if he was wired on sugar. He said 'Mayyybeeee' with a wild sugar induced look. Next I found myself with my eldest watching him consume large amounts of junk as well. Then it was the gift exchange. Apparently Axe products are all the rage with the 6th grade boys! Who'da thunk it. But, I guess they do need to begin to tame that wild smell for the girlies they are starting to notice *sigh* It was so much fun watching them interact in their daily environment with all their friends and teachers. But, I will be glad for the end of the holidays so we can go back to normal amounts of sugar consumption. It seems we have been on a sugar diet since Thanksgiving...it's been one event and excuse for sugar after another.

9 years ago today

The cutest little blue eyed baby boy was born on this day 9 years ago and I'm lucky enough to be his mom. From birth until he was about a year old there seemed to be an issue of some sort with this little guy. First his cord was wrapped around him which caused quite a scare. Then he had so much congestion that they had to take him to the nursery and suction him out so he could breath right. I didn't get to see him for the first few hours of his life because of this. Then once we were home he became very jaundiced. He had to be wrapped in a glowing blanket which made him look like a little glow worm. Daily a nurse would come over to take blood to test his billirubin levels by taking blood from his heel. He was none too happy about this activity. All this going on around Christmas time. Next was the scare that he had club feet, off to Scottish Rite we went. My pediatrician was being overly cautious and it was only the way he was scrunched up in utero and his feet were fine. They just needed a little time to stretch out. At this same time it was also noted that his frenulum which secures his tongue to the floor of his mouth was short. It's often referred to as a tongue tie. It caused him no feeding issues so it was left alone at this time. All this and my baby was less than a week old! *whew* Exhausting while caring for a 2-1/2 year old at the same time and a baby-ass man who might as well have been a 3rd child. Next major ordeal came at less than 6 weeks old when he ran a fever higher than they 'like to see', off to Children's Hospital we go. They suspected spinal meningitis. This entailed blood draw, urine gathered via a catheter and a spinal tap. The spinal tap sent him into shock. The tech handed my baby back to me and I could have sworn he was dead. He was white as a ghost and limp. OMG! Everyone cleared the room except someone cleaning up. I immediately ordered him to get the doctor. The doctor returned and gave him fluids in his already hooked up IV (thank God). It took some time, but he returned to normal. They finally sent us home about 5am. All the results weren't back yet so they gave him some IV antibiotics just in case and sent us home as there were no beds available. *sigh* All of that for nothing...everything came back normal. But, I'd rather have tested than not and then he ended up having spinal meningitis. That was a life changing experience though. I really started looking at what was important. My job, that up to that point, I had given most of my energy to became secondary. My family was my new focus. At 3 months old this little baby would not hold his head up when he was pulled to sitting position. This was yet another alarm. We did a CAT scan and various tests to determine he had hypotonia (low muscle tone). But, prior to this diagnosis I was scared to death 'cause it could have meant so much more. Luckily 12 months of physical therapy made all the difference for him. The final major issue with him was at 14 months old he wasn't uttering a word. Upon further examination he had fluid behind his eardrum and wasn't hearing much. He had tubes put in and at the same time had his tongue tie clipped to avoid any possible speech problems. Within a week he started saying those words every mommy wants to hear, 'mama'. From then on he has just been nothing but fantastic. It was a rough first year, but now he is the brightest 9 year old around. He's also turned out to be athletic, not a sign of low muscle tone. He is also very healthy.

I have to say though, he's probably got my strange luck. Somehow a bug flew at his eye and a piece of the wing broke off and embedded itself by his iris. So today, on his 9th birthday, he had to see the opthamologist about it. She numbed his eye and removed the foreign object!!! In his courageous style he sat still and let the doctor take care of what had to be taken care of.

I'm so proud of my cute little blue eyed monkey boy :)

ETA: It may seem as if I wasn't so proud until the rough year was over. I felt it should be said, I thought he was perfect from the moment I saw him.

Jacked up dental hygiene

Ok, 'jacked up' is my youngest monkey boy's favorite new saying. Soooo since this is all about him I thought I'd use his new favorite phrase. He has some serious jacked up dental hygiene. Myself or the wonderful Step Dad will say 'Did you brush your teeth?' The boy will reply 'Yes'. Later in the day we will get a gander at said boy's teeth and notice that there is no way those teeth have been brushed the previous day much less that day! On my weekly Wal Mart beating I was so excited to find a tooth brush that plays a song for 2 minutes to encourage good brushing habits. I read the package and it sounded like just what my boy needs. So I scooped up 2 (to be fair) and went on my merry way. When I presented the wonderful purchse to the offspring my eldest starts questioning what song it plays. THAT never even crossed my mind. I assumed it was some catchy tune to keep the brushin' goin'. Upon close examination the song is not in our native language, rather it's in Spanish. Unfortunately, in this casa we are not bilingual. Remember, I read the package, not a single word en español (well excpet for the tiny song name that I didn't see). Who'da thought the song would be. But, good thing my monkey boys have a good sense of humor and they are brusing away. So far so good with the youngest. He brushed this morning without being asked. One down, many more brushing days to go.

Check it out they have many songs to choose from. Mabye they'll get a stocking stuffer with a song they know Tooth Tunes

Crazy Train

Yesterday sucked aathhhh. Could have named this post 'roller coaster' too. Hormones....wheeeee. But, today is a new day and all is right in my world again. Back to the regularly scheduled program...

I took my 2 offspring to Petsmart yesterday. They have been wanting to take their poodle there since her birthday in October. We spent way too much money on Christmas presents for all 3 dogs??? What in the world was I thinking. It will make the offspring, monkey boys happy on Christmas day. I guess that's what I was thinking. As you can see from the mug shots above the dogs are often used as a form of entertainment around here. On the way home from that lovely excursion my car decided to make an odd sound, smoke and proceed to smell of burned rubber. Soooo today I will get to take my ride in for a check up. Therefore I'll be working from the casa today and hope to be quite productive doing so.

Patience

The word for today is patience. I will have to summon as much of it as I can possibly muster to make it through the day. I have agreed to watch a friend's children for the night. Her and I have very different parenting styles. Therefore, we have vastly different children. First of all I love children. But, I truly believe children should be taught how to behave and have respect for others. These 2 boys that I'll be watching tonight have not been taught these things. They are starving for attention and have learned to feed on negative attention as opposed to none at all. They have also learned that if they beg enough their parent(s) will eventually give in to their whiny demands. They act much better when they are here with just us and their parents are not around. But, they still stretch my patience to the limit sometimes. I have a low tolerance for whining, bickering and complaining. Can't we all just get along and be happy?? So why am I watching them if it is such a chore.

My friend and her husband have a Christmas party to go to.
She is very kind to watch my boys anytime I need her to.
Just maybe spending time with our family will have a positive impact on their lives.