Not so intuitive afterall!

Luckily there was no intuition going on....the boys are home safe and happy! Couldn't ask for anything more.

Intuition?

Anyone that knows me, knows that I'm having a difficult time while my boys are visiting their bio. dad. I have this crazy fear that he's going to hurt them or hide them from me. I believe he's no longer thinking about me like he used to. He used to be obsessed with me and obsessed with exacting revenge on me. He spent a great deal of energy stalking me, finding the meanest, most hurtful things to say to me, threatening me, scaring me, etc. These are no longer his hobbies. He has moved on. He has remarried. So why do I still have these fears. I used to just dismiss them as they would pop into my head realizing it's just habit to worry like this and trust that they'd be ok. What else can I do. It's his right to see the boys. They enjoy going to see him. So I put my big girl panties on and deal with it. But, the other day as I was painting our office not even thinking about the boys really, I had this thought 'those boys are never coming home'. *shock* It was like some sort of intuition. I had the same type of thought weeks before I went to the doctor to find that the fetus in my womb didn't have a heartbeat. The thought played in my head 'we lost the baby'. So needless to say this freaked me out when this came true last time and now I'm having a similar thought but about the boys. So could this be some type of premonition or intuition? Or is it just old programming from the monster who happens to be the boys bio dad. He used to threaten me with the boys when we were still married. This is one thing that kept me from divorcing him sooner. I was scared of what he would do to the boys. I honestly feared he'd take them away, hide them, hurt them...anything to hurt me. So I was programmed to have this fear, which worked in his favor for quite some time. I wonder if that is the source of this? As for the pregnancy loss, I did have some concerns in the beginning, but by the 10th week I felt everything was ok and was no longer worried. So I still think those thoughts show that on some level I knew something wasn't right. Is that Intuition?

Under 'the mask'

Unfortunately, you have to always be aware of the mask a person could be wearing. They could be young or old, man or woman. They wear different masks for different reasons. It could be a person with a mask of a helpful friend, until you really need help. When action is needed to back up those words the mask comes off. You realize they were just words. I believe the most hurtful, life changing, devastating example of this would be the person I chose to have children with. He chose to wear a mask and fool me into thinking he was a different person. He wore the mask of someone I could spend the rest of my life with, that could be my partner and that I would have children with. Slowly pieces of his mask began to fall off. The most revealing was the night before I was to go in to the hospital for the birth of my second son. I knew at that moment something had to be done. But, it took a few more years for me to see this unmasked side come out and be strong enough to actually take the steps. The day I filed for divorce his mask came completely off and I was scared. I had actually been married to a monster and had children with him. I used to say that I had been married to the devil himself and didn't know it. He was abusive to me most of our marriage. I was in denial because he would always put the mask back on. It made it difficult for me to believe what had just happened. I didn't want it to be true so I conveniently lived in denial. He stalked me for years after the divorce. He tormented me and used the love I have for my children against me. He tried to turn them against me by telling them lies. He actually had my oldest son really confused for a while. Due to him not following the court orders for visitation he lost his visitation rights for 2 years. He did not see them from the summer of 2005 until the summer of 2007. I think these 2 years were critical in rebuilding my relationship with my oldest son. I don't believe he'll be confused about me again. He's old enough and wise enough to decipher the truth from the lies. But, the monster has regained visitation.

Now since I was not aware of 'the mask' back in 1995 two of the most important people in my life are with the person I dislike and distrust the most for a Christmas visit. It's very hard for me to not worry about them. Over the years he has threatened so many times to take them from me that I still have a fear that he will follow through with that. I try to keep myself busy and just trust that on December 23rd at noon they are where they are supposed to be so that I can bring them home where they belong.

Pace yourself woman!

Ok, apparently I have an issue with pacing myself. Really, I know this. I wake up and have a to-do list a mile long. I usually plan to get done in one day what should realistically take a few or more. For example, today my plans were to touch up the paint in our office. I painted it at the end of September, but circumstances beyond my control prevented me from finishing it up. I also planned to do an upper body weight work out. I wanted to bake a quiche for breakfast. Getting laundry caught up was also part of the plan (only a couple loads). In Septemeber we also bought new furniture for the office. It still sits in our garage half assembled. This was also on the agenda. Finally, I wanted to make a trip to the health food store to pick up some gluten free cookies to use in a recipe for Christmas.

It's 4:11pm and I have so far....
1.) Did my upper body weight workout
2.) Baked the breakfast quiche
3.) Washed one load of laundry (it still hasn't made it to the dryer yet)
4.) Touched up the paint in the office

Soooooo the furniture assembly and trip to the health food store still remains on the list. Depending on how late they are open I may still make it to the health food store. But, I think I have to accept that the furniture will remain as is until tomorrow. A lot of my issue is underestimating how long it will take me to complete each task. The other issue is I'd like to believe I'm She-Ra. Wonder if this is a woman thing? My partner who is of the male persuasion is much better at this type of planning.

Pictures to follow of the new and improved office.

Sugar in excess

My monkey boys had the best, sugar overloaded, party day at school today. Their parties were timed in such a way that I was able to participate in both. The youngest had PJ's and pancakes for the theme. So they had pancakes, cookies, cupcakes, hot chocolate, sugar, sugar, sugar!! I looked over at him at one point and asked him if he was wired on sugar. He said 'Mayyybeeee' with a wild sugar induced look. Next I found myself with my eldest watching him consume large amounts of junk as well. Then it was the gift exchange. Apparently Axe products are all the rage with the 6th grade boys! Who'da thunk it. But, I guess they do need to begin to tame that wild smell for the girlies they are starting to notice *sigh* It was so much fun watching them interact in their daily environment with all their friends and teachers. But, I will be glad for the end of the holidays so we can go back to normal amounts of sugar consumption. It seems we have been on a sugar diet since Thanksgiving...it's been one event and excuse for sugar after another.

9 years ago today

The cutest little blue eyed baby boy was born on this day 9 years ago and I'm lucky enough to be his mom. From birth until he was about a year old there seemed to be an issue of some sort with this little guy. First his cord was wrapped around him which caused quite a scare. Then he had so much congestion that they had to take him to the nursery and suction him out so he could breath right. I didn't get to see him for the first few hours of his life because of this. Then once we were home he became very jaundiced. He had to be wrapped in a glowing blanket which made him look like a little glow worm. Daily a nurse would come over to take blood to test his billirubin levels by taking blood from his heel. He was none too happy about this activity. All this going on around Christmas time. Next was the scare that he had club feet, off to Scottish Rite we went. My pediatrician was being overly cautious and it was only the way he was scrunched up in utero and his feet were fine. They just needed a little time to stretch out. At this same time it was also noted that his frenulum which secures his tongue to the floor of his mouth was short. It's often referred to as a tongue tie. It caused him no feeding issues so it was left alone at this time. All this and my baby was less than a week old! *whew* Exhausting while caring for a 2-1/2 year old at the same time and a baby-ass man who might as well have been a 3rd child. Next major ordeal came at less than 6 weeks old when he ran a fever higher than they 'like to see', off to Children's Hospital we go. They suspected spinal meningitis. This entailed blood draw, urine gathered via a catheter and a spinal tap. The spinal tap sent him into shock. The tech handed my baby back to me and I could have sworn he was dead. He was white as a ghost and limp. OMG! Everyone cleared the room except someone cleaning up. I immediately ordered him to get the doctor. The doctor returned and gave him fluids in his already hooked up IV (thank God). It took some time, but he returned to normal. They finally sent us home about 5am. All the results weren't back yet so they gave him some IV antibiotics just in case and sent us home as there were no beds available. *sigh* All of that for nothing...everything came back normal. But, I'd rather have tested than not and then he ended up having spinal meningitis. That was a life changing experience though. I really started looking at what was important. My job, that up to that point, I had given most of my energy to became secondary. My family was my new focus. At 3 months old this little baby would not hold his head up when he was pulled to sitting position. This was yet another alarm. We did a CAT scan and various tests to determine he had hypotonia (low muscle tone). But, prior to this diagnosis I was scared to death 'cause it could have meant so much more. Luckily 12 months of physical therapy made all the difference for him. The final major issue with him was at 14 months old he wasn't uttering a word. Upon further examination he had fluid behind his eardrum and wasn't hearing much. He had tubes put in and at the same time had his tongue tie clipped to avoid any possible speech problems. Within a week he started saying those words every mommy wants to hear, 'mama'. From then on he has just been nothing but fantastic. It was a rough first year, but now he is the brightest 9 year old around. He's also turned out to be athletic, not a sign of low muscle tone. He is also very healthy.

I have to say though, he's probably got my strange luck. Somehow a bug flew at his eye and a piece of the wing broke off and embedded itself by his iris. So today, on his 9th birthday, he had to see the opthamologist about it. She numbed his eye and removed the foreign object!!! In his courageous style he sat still and let the doctor take care of what had to be taken care of.

I'm so proud of my cute little blue eyed monkey boy :)

ETA: It may seem as if I wasn't so proud until the rough year was over. I felt it should be said, I thought he was perfect from the moment I saw him.

If it's not one thing, it's your mother

I have serious 'mother' issues. Actually, my mother has serious issues which causes me to have issues with her. I have tried over the years to just accept her for who she is and love her 'cause she's my mother. But, finally I realized in doing so I was sacrificing my own values. The values I have for the way I treat others and expect to be treated in return.

A little history....my mother and father divorced when I was really young, about 3 years old. By the time I was 4 she married my abusive, alcoholic step father. My father died when I was 9 years old. My grandmother who I was very close to died 3 years later when I was 12. That same year my mother divorced the aforementioned abusive, alcoholic step father. So by the time I was 13 I had serious teen hormones and issues. My mother never spoke of my father's or my grandmother's death. She never took me to visit their graves. These are 2 very important people that I lost as a child, unable to make sense of any of it. I was left to my own devices to figure it all out. The result was a child that learned to stuff all her feelings down and never speak of them. I learned that it was not ok to discuss these things. If I ever brought them up it was made very clear that she would not discuss them with me. Along with losing my father, I lost all of his family as well. I never spoke to another family member after his funeral. This would prove to be another subject my mother would not discuss with me. All through my teen years I struggled. I started doing drugs, skipping school just acting out. I was starved for attention. All of this was going on while my mother was consumed with dating. She left me home alone most nights. Her main goal was to find a man. My mother tried to pawn me off on anyone she could. She sent me to a program for girls with psychological issues. It was a 30 day program where we rode on a bus to Big Bend stopping at campsites along the way. We ultimately ended up at Big Bend where we hiked and camped. During this 30 days we had 24/7 counseling. It didn't work. Then she tried more drastic measures and sent me to a camp for girls with psychological issues. I lived in a tent that was built from trees we cut down. We cooked over an open fire. We cut down trees and chopped our own wood for cooking and various projects around our campsite. It was very primitive living. This also consisted of 24/7 counseling. We went to school year round. I lived there for 1-1/2 years. We would get to go home 1 weekend a month. Once I got a chance to go home in addition to this 1 weekend for good behavior. I didn't get to because my mother was going to be on a ski trip with her boyfriend. Once I got home I was a different person. I hated to be indoors. I would sit outside on our back patio and do my homework. I thought more about my future and didn't just live for today. I was still doing drugs, but not as much. I was really working on making good grades at school. I had so many credits that I was able to take 3 classes a day and participate in the work program. I would leave before lunch and go to my job as a waitress at the pizza joint close to my home. My mother even as I was being a better kid tried to pawn me off on her best friend and her husband. I lived with them for 2 weeks. Every day I called my mom begging her to let me come home. I often wonder what my life would have been like had I stayed with them. They were so kind to take me in like they did. They were willing to take me in at 16 and treat me like one of their own. Finally, after weeks of begging I was able to go back home. I had a really bad experience the summer after I graduated with drugs and vowed to never touch them again. This was a turning point in my life. From that point on I began making positive changes in my life. Every year I became a better person.

When I was 25 I read a life changing book 'You Can Heal Your Life'. I had a true epiphany. Oprah refers to this as an 'aha moment'. I had one. The premise of the book is that you are in control of your life. It doesn't matter what has happened to you in your past or who did what to you. You are the one that controls your future. I followed the principals in this book and over time discovered that it was completely true. Ironically enough, my mother gave me this book. After I read it I wanted her and my sister to have the same epiphany. I bought them each a copy and spoke to them about the principals and how they worked and raved about how wonderfully empowering it was. They never had the same aha moment.

My mother and my sister love to wallow in their own self pity. Over the years I have tried to help them both. They don't want my help. I believe they have grown resentful of me for it.

My mother has always favored my sister. She never once tried to pawn her off. I always just accepted this. In 1996 my first son was born. Immediately I noticed the same favortism shown to my niece who was 13 months old. I had accepted whatever crumb of affection my mother threw my way, but when it came to my son, that wasn't gonna fly. So when he was a year old I confronted her with the favoritism. She didn't speak to me for 6 months. She missed his second Christmas. By Easter I could not stand it anymore and I called her. Of course acting like nothing had ever happened. That's the only way I'd be thrown more crumbs. I decided that this was just how she was and I would have to accept it. This continued for years. Favoritism towards my sister and my niece. She would always explain that she helped my sister more 'cause she was a single mom. Ok...sure...that sounds like a good excuse. Well then it so happened that I was divorced and now a single mom. I needed her help. I called her up to ask her to watch my boys for me. I was going to bring them to her on my way to work and pick them up on my way home. As I hear my niece in the background squealing she tells me no. Again, I asked her why she would watch her and not my boys when I needed it. She quickly told me she was not going to argue with me and thanked me for ruining her night. After that all I heard was *click* Again we went a really long time without speaking. I again was the one to call her up after a great amount of time passed and acted like nothing was wrong. This happened 2 more times and I have finally decided that I just can't sacrifice my values to have a relationship with my mother. It is very sad to me. I think of her daily and wish it were different. But, it just isn't.

Now I could sit around and feel sorry for myself, because I have absolutely no extended family. I have had terrible tragedies in my life. I have struggled. I have been treated bad. Instead I choose to celebrate the wonderful things in my life. My husband who is gorgeous, kind, considerate, intelligent, loving, fun and damn good in the sack. My children who are very loving, bright, kind, intelligent and fun. My career. Although it's not fulfilling right now I have hope that it will be in the future. It has allowed me to provide for myself and my family very well. My dogs who are loyal, loving and playful. I have so many things in life to celebrate. I am very proud of myself that despite all of this I have raised 2 very well adjusted children, have a great relationship with my husband and a high paying job that makes me think. I just look at the bumps in the road as lessons which have made me stronger.