Musings From Ami

Lifeline

2008-05-03T09:55:00.003-05:00

Have you ever thrown someone a lifeline and they either refuse it or struggle with accepting it? I have witnessed this many times. My sister and my mother both have been offered lifelines from me in various forms and at various times. Each one has been refused. I often shook my head in disbelief.

Most recently I have offered a lifeline to a co-worker, friend. We are both on a project that is being run by people who lack even the most basic amount of integrity. There is no common goal or vision. The leaders are also unable to recognize talent, therefore unable to utilize the talent appropriately. They are of the belief that people are 'plug and play'. Any person can be replaced by another regardless of talent or skill needed for each task. People to them are just resources, numbers to report up to senior management. Along with these thoughts about their 'resources', they feel no need to provide adequate work space for them. This translates into resources being divided into 4 rooms. Each room holds 10-12 people with one phone to be shared by all. Each resource shares a square of a table, no personal effects. No where to put anything you might need throughout your work day. These are deplorable work conditions in my opinion. I'm not aware of one of my co-workers that is happy with this situation. I found a way out.

Thanks to some former co-workers pulling for me I got an opportunity out of this situation. There was one other position available. I asked my co-worker, friend if she'd be interested. Her and I had discussed ad nauseum our discontent with our current situation. She was very excited about the opportunity. We both proceeded forward...spoke to the hiring manager about our interest, applied to the requisition online, interviewed, offered the position and accepted the position. All along this process two of my former co-workers were telling the hiring manager how great we were. We both let our current manager know of our intent to leave. This is when it got interesting. Our senior management tried to put a stop to it. She tried everything to prevent us from going, but soon learned that the new manager really wanted us and he went toe to toe with her. They both had to compromise in the end. She got to keep us longer than he wanted, but we are out. We have a chance to start a new position with the same company where we have great salary and benefits. I personally couldn't be happier. I made the decision and I haven't looked back.

My co-worker, friend on the other hand has struggled with her decision ever since. Just Thursday she told me she's really considering staying and not taking the new position. I believe her after being in a team meeting with her. She is still very emotionally attached to this project. I honestly don't want her to do anything that she is not 100% sure of. Only she knows what is best for her. But, I honestly cannot fathom how this environment could be best for anybody! All of our other co-workers are completely jealous that we're getting the opportunity to move on. There is one person that is bending her ear and telling her how much they need her. He's giving her false hope in my opinion and she's buying it..hook, line and sinker! Everyone has their own path that is created by their own free will. It's just difficult for me to sit by and watch her make this decision and feel that she's messing up. But, I will. I helped provide her an option, but she most likely will chose to not take that option. I will not take it personally. Just as I have had to let go of the idea that my mother or my sister would accept any float I've thrown out to them, I will with her.

As for me....I'm outta there and couldn't be happier. I have 2 weeks left where I have to work 1/2 days on that doomed project and then I'm onto a new endeavor that at least has hope :)

Empathy

2008-04-19T21:10:00.004-05:00

I often forget that not everyone possesses empathy Case in point, my friend was over tonight. I had some old pictures out on my kitchen table. We started looking through them. They were of my boys when they were younger. Some of them had my ex-husband in them with the boys. I was explaining how I hate seeing those pictures, because they look like he really cares about them. Her response was 'Well this is assuming that he doesn't'. I explained that I really believe that he doesn't. She said 'Well everyone speaks badly about their ex's' OMG this statement leaves me with the impression that she doesn't believe the things I've told her about him. Granted she never met him. But, he's such a manipulative person she would probably believe me even less if she had. She then looked at one of his pictures and said 'Well he doesn't look like a wife beater and a cheater'. I was shocked. I told her that if she ever met him in person she wouldn't think so either 'cause he's very good at being deceptive about who he really is. I'm still shocked by the whole conversation. If he weren't really the way I have said he is I would still be married to him. I sure wasn't jonesing for a divorce! But, he lied, cheated, abused, manipulated me the whole time we were together...even years after we were married because of the boys. He told me when my youngest son was born he never wanted him and that he wasn't his. He was born with red hair and my boss at the time also had red hair so he told me that he was my boss's and not his. Just last week I found out that he is still spewing this same lie. His ex-wife told me that was his story from when he first met her. So it's difficult when someone that is supposed to be my friend would give this monster the benefit of the doubt. I guess that it would take empathy and trust to understand something like this. Or possibly some people would actually have to live through a similar nightmare before they acquired such empathy.

Things are not always as they appear

2008-04-16T07:54:00.005-05:00

Last week while I was on vacation I got an offer from HR for the job I interviewed for a couple of weeks ago. I accepted. My new manager called me an hour later. He apologized for disturbing me while I was on vacation, but said he wanted to congratulate me and welcome me to his team. He seems like such a breath of fresh air from the current secret cat fight society I belong to now a.k.a The Maverick Project.

The Maverick Project sounds like such a cool thing to be a part of doesn't it? It brings up images of Tom Cruise (before we knew he was a whack job), Goose, competition, excitement, soaring jets, excellence...all positive images. Well this project is anything but that. There isn't one person that I know of working on the project that wants to be there. The purpose of the project is a good one. It's a good concept that if implemented correctly would be great. Here lies the issue. Implementation will almost certainly fail due to management's incompetence; their incompetence to recognize talent and respect that talent, their incompetence to recognize their own limitations and seek the advice of others. Their lack of integrity will also play a big part in the failure of this project. They have never honestly reported to senior management the status or quality of product being developed.

In the beginning I was very excited to be a part of this project. I would learn new technologies. I would be involved in the technology of the future, yada yada yada. I bought into the story they were selling. Soon after being 'hand picked' to be a team member I learned that it wasn't what it appeared. I began exploring other employment opportunities within the company. It has taken a loooong time, but the opportunity is finally here and this secret cat fight society is attempting to ruin that opportunity for me. I thought they would gladly release me to this new opportunity, but I was wrong. All the sudden I'm a critical player on the team. They are attempting to make me stay on the project for another 8 weeks. They have virtually ignored my existence up to this point. I was really unsure if management even knew my name. They have ignored any complaint I've ever brought to them. I tried to make this an environment that I would want to be in. They have no intention of changing anything. Everyone is expected to like being sardined into a room with limited workspace, sharing a phone with 9 other people, not understanding the language spoken in the room, having no office supplies...I could go on. Honestly, these are deplorable working conditions for a professional. Now I'm critical?? And they won't let me go and pursue a better opportunity?? Completely unprofessional.

So now the leader of the secret cat fight society is battling with my new manager and trying to beat him down like she does everyone else. Not once has she had a conversation with ME about this. This is my career, yet she feels no obligation to speak to me about it and try to work out an agreement with me. She's just going to bully my new manager and then tell me how it's going to be! I'm furious to say the least. I'm sitting on the sideline and waiting for the outcome. I know my new manager is fighting hard for me...hoping for the best. He is able to recognize talent and has respect for people as people. He doesn't just look at them as 'resources'.

And for the bad news

2008-04-10T08:37:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was the day of big news at the company I work for. Several of my friends, co-workers lost their jobs. My job was saved. But, theirs were lost. It makes me very sad for two of them in particular. I worked for both of them. They were both really good managers. One was my manager when I was hired. I worked for him over 4 years. I worked for him during one of the most difficult times of my life, when I was being stalked by my ex-husband and almost drove to insanity. I also worked for him when I suffered a broken ankle and elbow. He allowed me to work from home for 6 weeks while I was taking pain pills and healing. He was always very supportive of me and taught me a lot. He is a great guy. The other I only worked for for 6 months. He always made sure that I knew that he noticed the work I was doing. He always let me know how much he appreciated me. He also protected me from getting more work assigned to me than I could do in a reasonable amount of time. His wife just had a baby in Feb. and they have 3 other young children. I'm just so sad that these people and several others are losing their jobs. It proves once again that in this company you're not always rewarded for skill and integrity. Both of these men have these qualities yet they lost their jobs while others that lack any skill or integrity kept theirs. Unfair. Life is unfair. I know this, but don't have to like it.

I have news!!

2008-04-08T22:04:00.003-05:00

My prospective, future manager contacted me today. He told me that I can expect an offer from HR in the next couple of days! woohoo! Now to find out what tomorrow's big organizational, layoff, etc. news is...

Crazy, busy

2008-04-07T13:07:00.003-05:00

Life has been crazy, busy lately. I went to a week of advanced Java training. Then I was in another 2 weeks worth of training for the framework my company has purchased. During this time my eldest monkey boy turned 12. He has been signed up for his first ever overnight soccer camp. He got straight A's on his report card with the lowest grade being a 92, everything else 97 & up even got a 100 in Science! My youngest monkey boy got a 100 on his first TAKS test, straight A's on his report card with his lowest grade being a 96 there were a few 100's in there too. He also managed to put a gash in his knee which required a 2 hour emergency room visit and 11 stitches. So all this good behavior and one accident required lots of going out to eat and celebrating.

Last week I interviewed for a job that I have been waiting to come through for quite some time, since October. I heard from some of my co-worker friends that the hiring manager was quite impressed. I was supposed to hear back on Friday about his decision, but I'm still waiting.

I heard that on Wednesday there will be some BIG news within the company I work for. This will not be good, BIG news, rather bad BIG news in the form of layoffs, retirement packages, restructure, etc. So I'm waiting to hear about that too.

And for the final bit of information I'm waiting on...I'm again in the 2WW.

Good news is I'm on vacation while all this waitin' is going on. Sooo I went from crazy, busy to a screeching halt. I'm trying to enjoy the down time and not dwell on everything that's up in the air right now.

12 years ago today

2008-03-27T23:00:00.002-05:00

My first son was born. He was 3 days late and took 17 hours of labor to get here. But, he was perfect. Now he's officially a preteen and I'm just as proud of him today as I was then. He is an intelligent, independent, nice young person...very proud to say he's my son :-)

All for naught

2008-03-21T08:23:00.002-05:00

AF showed reared her ugly head so no pregnancy for me this cycle. It wasn't all for naught, because I did have fun trying at least ;-) Next cycle I'm pulling out the big guns and using a Clear Blue Easy Fertility monitor. This thing is supposed to be the bomb in detecting fertile days and showing you more than just 2 potential days to become pregnant. We'll see how well it works.

This has been a bit depressing for me. I was content with not having any more children. I have two of the best kids I can even imagine. I'm almost 40 years old and the 2 boys I speak of so often are very independent. A new baby would change the whold dynamics of our family. And then wham! out of the blue, not even trying I was pregnant. I was really excited about the unexpected new addition to our family. Then just as quickly that was taken away as I suffered the missed misscarriage. I went through a mirad of emotions, disbelief, sadness, pain, and finally ended up feeling hopeful about the future and trying again. But, here I am down again. The whole ordeal just seems a little cruel. It seems like everywhere I look someone is having a baby or is pregnant. I just found out yesterday my boss is pregnant. While I'm happy for her I'm sad for me.

I'll find that hope again, but for now I'm just a little sad about the whole thing...

Even more acronyms

2008-03-12T19:49:00.002-05:00

Acronyms of a different nature...JNDI, RMI, EAR file, J2EE, GUI, JDBC...I'm in an advanced Java course this week. This is a great class and the instructor is really good. I'm just exhausted from the time change on top of learning these advanced techniques *yawn* I can't wait for Friday. I can catch up on some rest and a little closer to Monday when I can test. Yay!!

Two week wait

2008-03-09T13:31:00.003-05:00

So we are full-on TTC (trying to conceive) a child. I sadly suffered a miscarriage on Thanksgiving day in 2007. I have waited the 3 months as instructed by my OB. I have continued taking prenatal vitamins. I gave up caffeine 2 weeks ago. I'm eating as healthy as I can. I have passed ovulation. So now I'm in this 2 week wait period before testing. It's really gonna be 1 week and 4 days, because I'm impatient like that :p So on St. Patty's day, March 17th I'll be POAS (peeing on a stick) to determine if we are with child or not. In the process I'm learning all kinds of new acronyms (TTC, DPO, POAS, CD, etc.) Yippee.

Life Lessons

2008-03-06T17:19:00.003-06:00

I would have never planned things this way, but it seems to have worked out for my oldest son.

I have had further discussions with mt ex's current wife who is in the process of divorcing him. She is in the 60 day wait period right now before it can be finalized. I first spoke of this here

He is supposed to pick the boys up this Friday (tomorrow). He's preoccupied with stalking his wife and attempting to land a new victim to mooch off of. He's also without a job. Because of these things I'm not so sure that he'll show up.

Last weekend their step father and I sat down with them and discussed that when they do see their dad next he won't be with his wife. We explained that they are divorcing. The boys really liked her and her family so we wanted to prepare them and offer them the option of talking with her for closure. They were really upset about the news, but didn't want to speak with her.

Last night I was talking with my oldest son about the possiblity that his dad might not show up on Friday. I asked him if he'd be disappointed. He said 'No, not really'. He has been disappointed by him far too many times already I believe. He then told me he knew that the divorce was coming. I asked him how and he stated that his dad was not respectful of his wife and he told her what to do and bossed her around. We discussed how that's not the way you treat people you love.

I'm so happy that he noticed this. I stayed married to his father in the end because I wanted the boys' to grow up with their biological father in the same house with them. Finally, I realized that I wasn't doing them any favors by doing this. I was only teaching them exactly what a relationship should not be like. That realization helped me make the necessary decision to divorce him. So now my oldest son sees a healthy, loving relationship between myself and his stepfather. He now can recognize the difference between a healthy relationship and one that is not. After I learned the truth about my ex I never doubted my decision. This one conversation was great validation in the decision I made years ago though.

Proud mommy moment

2008-03-05T17:15:00.002-06:00

I am so proud of my monkey boys. The youngest made it into the school's GATE (Gifted and Talented Education) program. The report card he brought home today was all A's with the exception of one B. He is in 3rd grade reading at a 7th grade level. My eldest monkey boy made straight A's on his report card. In 6th grade he's reading at a 10th grade level. This is good news for the mommy's soul.

The Mask Revisited

2008-02-20T09:24:00.007-06:00

I have discussed the mask that some people wear before. Specifically, the mask that was worn by my ex-husband. On February 9th I received an email from his current wife asking a simple question. She wanted to know if there were any control or abuse issues when I was married to him. Considering our relationship now, only making the children available to him one weekend a month because I'm court ordered to, I gave a simple, neutral reply. It went something like this ... the terms of our visitation agreement and lack of deviation from it should answer your questions for you. She wanted more details. At this point I knew what was under his mask had been revealed to her. I responded again and said that I didn't feel that details of our relationship were appropriate or helpful to discuss. But, I urged her to take care of herself and not allow herself to be in an abusive or controlling relationship. A few hours later I got a phone call from her! I was shocked and a flood of emotion overtook me. But, what came to the forefront was the promise that I made to myself. After I escaped a wiser, stronger person from that horrible relationship, I vowed to help any woman in a similar situation anyway I could.

She started by saying she wasn't sure why she was calling. I suggested that she was calling me to receive validation for the way she was feeling. She chuckled and confirmed my suggestion. I proceeded to talk with her for at least an hour. It was cathartic for both of us. I learned that she was living my former hell. This was very upsetting to me. I was really hoping that he had really made some positive changes in his life. In the course of the conversation I was able to fill in some of the gaps for her. Of course he lied to her about me. According to him I was this horrible monster that had hurt him. I was able to confirm her suspicions. I was also able to warn her of how far he will go with the abuse, manipulation and control. She had witnessed some of this, but she hadn't left him yet and that sends him to a whole new level of control and manipulation. She had already figured most of this out for herself and only wanted confirmation.

I spoke to her and her cousin again yesterday. She has followed through with her plans. She has filed for divorce and served him with a protective order. He is doing everything to her that he did to me when I took this action. I'm happy to know that she has a really great support system. Her cousin also told me that it was my words that really made her take action. She was almost ready to go back to him and forgive him yet again. But, our conversation convinced her that was not the right direction. She is strongly proceeding ahead despite him pushing back.

I'm happy for her and sad once again for my boys. This is their biological father. That is such a sad reality for me. I would have never chosen him for their father had I known the truth...what was under the mask. But, at the same time I wouldn't trade them being here, my children for all the pain and suffering I have endured. They are one of the best things to have ever come into my life....wicked double edge sword.

This has also caused me to rehash and relive my past struggles with him as well. It was a solid 3 years of struggle being stalked, manipulated and controlled just because he's the biological father of my children. Which he never cared about in the right way. He's never done the right thing for them. I survived this 3 years of stalking hell without the proper support system. My mother didn't seem to be able to offer any support despite the fact that she had lived a similar hell. I still scratch my head on that one. I can't even imagine how/why she could have done that to me. My friends just didn't understand. I was too busy just trying to survive and be strong for the boys to really seek other support as I probably should have. I received some therapy, but often wonder if I should have had more.

On the positive side of all this
1.)We now have a wonderful man in our life, my husband and step father to the boys. He takes the role of step father serious. He only wants the best for them. He is teaching them how to be responsible, honest, loving, independent, productive men through example. Our relationship shows them how a loving relationship should be. They are well provided for. They are healthy and happy. They are both straight A students. Despite the ugliness of their father, they do have a great life.
2.) I can look back on the times I did everything alone with great pride. Despite being abused, manipulated and stalked I was able to provide a comfortable life for the boys and myself. I maintained a house during this time. I was able to keep them in private school for a while. I was able to hide a lot of the ugliness from them when they were very small so they felt secure and safe. I took the steps to end the ugliness and not allow it to continue. They have been to therapy and the only thing that came of it was that they are very stable, secure children. I am very proud of myself for all of this.

When I get in a funk like I am now, I always like to remind myself of the positive. There is always at least one. That should be the focus. Lessons were learned and I'm stronger for it. The boys will be stronger for this as well.

Crazy as a loon

2008-02-02T09:48:00.000-06:00

I've been a little pre-occupied with life to post. But, I'm back :)

Week before last I was in agile training. It was really good. I learned a lot about the history of software development methodologies that I never knew. The agile methodology is great in theory. We're trying to put it to practical use and ummm it's not quite the same. Could be management...not sure. Anyhooo

Last weekend I had a girls weekend out. My wonderful husband took care of the boys and entertained them while I met up with 12 other mommies that I've known online for almost 10 years. I had never met any of them in person until last weekend. So 13 of us met up in person in Dallas for the weekend. We went to a cowboy bar for the Canadian mommies, rode the light rail downtown to see the JFK memorial, hung out in the hotel and ate and drank and did what we do best...talk. Fun was had by all. We all got along great and put faces and personalities to the online mommies that we had shared so much with over the years.

More about the wonderfulness of my husband, he really is the best. He understands that a little me time is a good thing. I had not had an outing like this for over 12 years bc (before children). I had a lot of fun, but do prefer to be with my family. I missed them terribly.

Now back to the drama at the office. Our project is pure insanity. One of my good friends is having a particularly difficult time. I have spent a lot of time this past week talking her off the ledge. Which reminds me of this scene from 12 monkeys. The whole clip is good, but it is particularly appropriate starting 1 minute 56 seconds into it where Jeffrey says '...for all I know you're crazy as a loon'. Great acting. If this job is taken too serious it'll drive you crazy!!

Busted!!!

2008-01-19T10:51:00.000-06:00

Ok, here is a prime example of the monkey boys in action, with photographic proof. This morning I was downloading pictures from my camera and find this......

and this........

Ummmmmm this would be them JUMPING off the furniture in the family room!! What in the world are they thinking? Monkey boys! I guess I can be thankful that there were no emergency room visits as a result, all furniture is still in good condition and they are honing their photography skills.

Please ignore the hideous wires hanging from the t.v. this is a work in progress. Yeah we have a couple of those going on right now :)

Finding happiness at the 'bucks

2008-01-15T20:56:00.000-06:00

I read this book a few weeks ago and it caused me to reflect on my current situation. It's an entertaining, feel-good, quick read. But, it made me think about what is really important (my happiness), how easy it is to lose the illusion of prestige and how the big, behemoth company I work for doesn't give a rip about me. This last realization I've known about for quite some time, but I have to be reminded of it from time to time. They do a good job with all the 'we care about our employees' propaganda. The author does a lot of name dropping which could be perceived as annoying, but I think he did this to drive his message home. As I was reading it I was all about quitting my job and going to work for Starbucks. Maybe a re-read is in order....

The tick tock of the clock is painful,

2008-01-13T14:43:00.000-06:00

all sane and logical. I want to tear it off the wall. (excerpt from the lyrics of Inside Out by Eve 6) Love that song. I think of these lyrics while I'm sitting at my desk at my new office on this newish project that has no room for me. Everything is being handled by the offshore team. I'm just in the way. This is the new direction...new technology, new methodology, new platform, new database. This is 'the' project to be on according to everybody that's not on it and the management of the project. I don't agree. The management team is comprised of a bunch of ladder climbers who don't know what it takes to get the job done. Due diligence has not been properly done. The full time employees are not learning as they should. There are no mentors for us. The environment is not conducive to learning...just the oppposite. Instead, the offshore, temporarty, contract staff is doing all the work and learning the business rules, the system, the technology, the new methodology, etc. Where does that leave us? Well it leaves me wishing I was more involved. I feel like an outsider at the company that has employeed me.

I'm waiting to hear about 2 other positions within this company. Both of these positions I've been asked to assume by the hiring managers. It's down to formalities...requisition approvals, buget approvals, etc. My 5 year anniversary with the company will be Wednesday...

This week rumour has it we'll hear some news about the future of the company, layoffs, selling off of assets, etc. I'm ready to hear the news good or bad. I expect it to be more of the latter. When it comes to layoffs it seems I have been put in a position to make this easier. I could be let go and the project I'm on wouldn't even notice...until implementation. I believe I'm an integral part of the implementation since I have designed and managed a lot of the back end integration. Oh well, it is what it is. The decisions have been made or are in the process of being made. I now sit and wait for the news.

Meet Chubby

2008-01-12T07:45:00.001-06:00

He is the dog of many names. Chubby is his given name, but he also goes by Chubba-Lou, Lou-Lou Bell, Lump-a-Lou, Chubby Love, Chubby the thug and plain ole Lou (said in your best Tyler Durden voice). His very first name was Bobby. When we first adopted him he was called Wing Nut for a short period of time. All this naming I would like to mention was done without my involvement. My creativity only came in after the fact, with the additions that we now call him. To me, he's usually Chubba-Lou or just Lou. And we wonder why he doesn't come when we call him?!? Aside from just being a beagle he's probably not quite sure we're talking to him.

He is under the misguided perception that his little beagle body is not supposed to touch the floor. He sleeps on everything but the floor where a dog belongs.

On the monkey boy's Dallas Cowboy bean bag. Go Cowboys!!!

On the shelf under the old desk. Remember me mentioning my lack of cord management, you can see it here :)

In our bed as if he belongs there. I'm certain he had a little help with the covers though.

On the couch with a nice, fluffy soccer blanket for his little beagle head.

Smiling on the eldest monkey boy's bed. He's so proud of himself. He loves himself!

Ahhhhh! The life of a beagle.

Lou says 'Excuse me, but this is a little harsh on my delicate beagle body!'

Progress

2008-01-09T08:39:00.000-06:00

Progress is being made on our office. I love my new work space! This is definitely a work progress. Painting this room and building pieces of this furniture is what kept my mind occupied (sorta) while the boys were with their bio dad for their Christmas visitation. I love the way this furniture looks, but it is very easy to scratch. The wood is very soft. A couple of pieces were damaged during the construction phase by the previous constructor (husband's employee with a bad attitude). Then as we were putting the second desk together we found a defective piece. So we are now waiting for replacement parts to arrive before we can complete all the furniture. Plug for Staples: they are sending us the replacement parts/pieces free of charge! Woohoo Staples. Since I actually work in here we set up my side first. My husband will have the same setup across the room from me. Then we'll be able to hang things on the wall as well. Notice the lack of cords all over the place? That would be great cord management by my husband! If it were up to me it'd be a jumbled mess. Today I will be hooking up my printer...that's the only remaining peripheral to connect. From this you can see the new paint color and get an idea of how the set up will look. I found some boxes and organization things at The Container Store that I want to get to utilize the shelf space better. And look how tiny my monitor looks on that big desk. I need to handle up on that for sure.

Emotionally charged post

2008-01-07T16:34:00.001-06:00

My post from yesterday was very much a knee jerk reaction from listening to the boys talk about their visit with their bio dad. It happens every time they return. I just have such a hard time with him rolling onto the scene after a huge absence. He has always been a father when it was convenient for him. And I use the term father loosely.

First of all I was speaking of 'MY children'. I really don't feel that was appropriate. This sounds like they are just possessions to me. That's not the case. I just take my responsibility of being a mother very serious. Also, their wonderful step father has put a lot of time and energy in making sure they grow up to be the best they can be. He has the same concerns as I do for them. So for me to be throwing around the phrase 'MY children', is not fair or accurate. As for the ex, it's very difficult for me to think that they are really his children too. He doesn't act like it.

Also, the boys going to church is not the real issue. It's just that they are going to church with people that I don't know. I don't know what they are being taught or by whom. This is the control freak in me. But, I want them to learn about everything and make up their own mind as to what they think is best for them. I was just hoping it would be when they were older and better equipped to make such a decision. Also, church is a much better exposure than what he could be exposing them to. I just couldn't see all this last night in my overly emotional state of mind. But, reason is always restored and I'm thankful for it.

Oh Sh*t

2008-01-05T11:29:00.000-06:00

That's all I can say when I think about my career, my job, my current employment situation. I work in technology in the financial industry. So the company I work for is getting lots o' press these days. This is press of the negative nature. It's difficult not to buy into all the fear being pushed by the media. It seems that there is someone at the WSJ that is even trying to persuade the perception even more to affect the stock or for some unknown financial reason. I have posted in the past about how I dislike my work environment. I dislike our offshore model. I'm not opposed to offshoring in general. It's just our model seems very skewed. For every full time employee there are 8 offshore contractors. If a full time employee leaves they are replaced with an offshore resource (contractor). At this rate, eventually there will be no FTE's. Everyday there is a looming cloud over our heads of layoffs, buyouts, etc. In an environment where we should be working together and learning from each other often the primary language is Hindi. Ummm I don't know this language, subsequently I'm left out of the knowledge pool. Aside from all these negatives, there are actually some positives or I would have jumped ship. Unfortunately, none of these have to do with integrity, self enrichment, a feeling of accomplishment, advanced technology knowledge or anything one would expect in order to advance in their position or career. I get a nice paycheck, flexibility (I'm able to work from home, take time off as needed), enormous amount of paid time off....hmmm that's about all I can think of right now. So basically I'm there for the paycheck. It makes it hard to show up everyday. I can't help but hear Green Day in my head...

Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.

It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.

Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

Green Day - Time Of Your Life

Happy New Year!

2008-01-03T20:38:00.000-06:00

I have been MIA for a while. I had to return to the work force on Wednesday. But, not before I was lucky enough to get a cold from my dear husband. Remember how excited I was about the indoor water park? Well everyone except me has probably already thought of this, that is nothing but a petri dish of germs. Think about it...85 degree wet room with 50 million kids (small exaggeration), what are the odds of a sick one or two being in there? I'm thinking that the odds are HIGH. So we are talking petri dish of germs. Maybe not a petri dish, but there were at least one or two and my husband was oh so fortunate to find them. He was sick when we got home. I felt so bad for him. That's just not fair. I managed to resist for a few days. But, I ended up with the same bug and feeling ill conveniently the day before I was to return to work. Then he felt bad for giving it to me. I didn't blame him at all though.

I was hoping to show up at the office with a new positive attitude about the crappy place I had left almost 3 weeks ago. No such luck, it still sucks and I have been feeling crappy while trying to cope with it all. This is where Starbuck's comes in. That helps tons in feeling better so I had a double dose today. I'm almost feeling normal again. I hope to wake up all better tomorrow!

In other positive news...the monkey boys brought home all A's with only one B on their progress reports. Also, they each had quite impressive Iowa test scores! Yay for them.

Gluten free cheesecake yuminess

2007-12-30T09:35:00.000-06:00

I adapted this to be gluten free. I found it in the Sunday paper prior to the holidays and decided I HAD to make it. While grocery shopping for Christmas dinner this was the main priority. So much so, that I forgot half of what I needed, but by gosh we were gonna have some cheesecake! Good thing the husband is not afraid of running to the store to fetch the forgotten items. We managed to have a balanced dinner afterall, despite my temporary cheesecake obsession. In my defense, I have not had cheesecake in over a year. It has been just a little over a year living the gluten free lifestyle. So hopefully you can understand my over excitement here! Hope it brings as much eating pleasure to others.

The original recipe called for Oreo cookies for the crust. I used Kinnikinnick - KinniToos Choc. Cream Sandwich Cookies. One little substitution and there's my adaptation :o) Check 'em out here or if you are one of the lucky ones who can partake in the gluten of the world just use Oreos...much easier to come by.

Chocolate Vanilla Swirl Cheesecake

Ingredients
20 Chocolate Sandwich Cookies, crushed (about 2 cups)
3 Tbsp Butter, melted
4 pkg (8 oz ea) Philadelphia Cream Cheese, softened
1 cup Sugar
1 tsp Vanilla
1 cup Sour cream
4 eggs
6 squares semi-sweet baking chocolate, melted, cooled

Preheat oven to 325. Line 13x9 inch baking pan with foil, with ends of foil extending over sides of pan. Mix cookie crumbs and butter; press firmly onto bottom of prepared pan. Bake 10 min.

Beat cream cheese, sugar and vanilla in large bowl with electric mixer on medium speed until well blended. Add sour cream, mix well. Add eggs, one at a time, beating on low speed after each addition just until blended. Remove 1 cup of the batter; set aside. Stir melted chocolate into remaining batter in large bowl; pour over crust. Top with spoonfuls of remaining 1 cup plain batter; cut through batters with knife several times for swirled effect.

Bake 40 min or until center is almost set. Cool. Refrigerate at least 4 hours or overnight. Use foil handles to left cheesecake from pan before cutting to serve. Store in refrigerator.

Another holiday season is almost gone

2007-12-29T21:17:00.000-06:00

It was fun while it lasted, but now it is time to resume healthy eating and healthy spending. OMG I have been eating so much yummy junk food. But, all good things must come to an end. It's time for a more balanced diet, as opposed to the non-stop sugar binge I've been on as of late. As for spending...geez you'd think I was Princess Money Bags. I have declared a halt on further spending for as long as I can possibly hold out...which will probably be until March when the next kid birthday rolls around. The worst part of all...soon I will have to *gasp* go back to the office and actually do some work to earn a paycheck. At least I'm already thinking about it so it won't be a total shock once I roll into the office on Jan 2nd.

Home Sweet Home

2007-12-28T17:39:00.000-06:00

We just got home from a little getaway. We had a great time, but it's always good to get home. We only travelled 50 miles west from home for 3 days, but it felt like much farther and longer. It was a great little time away. We went to one resort which is all decked out with Christmas decor. It is similar to the San Antonio Texas Riverwalk, but indoors. Which is great since the weather was very cold and rainy for Texas. They also have an ice sculpture exhibit there. We stayed 2 nights there, Christmas night and the next. We then mosied on over to the new attraction across the street...a hotel which resembles a lodge you'd find in the mountains with a waterpark inside. It was great fun for all kids, young and old :) We stayed there one night before heading back to the casa.

Funny story from this adventure....

The first night we all struggled to sleep due to a screaming, crying baby in the adjacent room (this is not the funny part). It was so bad that we were worried the baby was there alone. We soon learned that this was not the case. The parents were just very good at tuning out their baby's needs. The next day we heard a replay of the ongoing co-motion. My wonderful husband trucked on down to the front desk and got us a new room. They let us keep the card key to the old room. So once we were settled into the new digs the boys had a brilliant idea. They wanted to exert their independance and watch t.v. w/o hovering parents in the auxiliary room. We agreed. So my husband and I are hanging out in our room sans monkey boys. The husband, being the kid that he is, decides to prank call the boys. He rings up their room. The eldest monkey boy answers....'Hi this is Bill from guest services. I wanted to ensure the room is vacant before we clean it'. On the other end he hears 'It is! *click*'. We are laughing hysterically because we know they are gonna show up instantly. I try to call...no answer. Then we hear *knock knock knock* on the door. He opens the door to find two VERY wide eyed monkey boys. haha That was priceless.

Eating at the River Walk-esque resturant...this explains where the term of endearment 'monkey boys' comes from. AND before anyone questions...they are drinking water!

Monkey boys doing what they do best! See what I'm talking about?

Nothing says Texas Christmas like a Longhorn Santa!!!!

Ice, Ice Baby!!! Isn't he just the cutest?!? The other one is the cutest too, but he just wasn't in the frame!

Yep they are tired of pictures...note the fake smile.

That is ALL ice...so cool.

On to the next tourist trap....see these wands? Step away from the wands if you ever visit The Great Wolf Lodge. OMG....they are the ultimate rip off. But, they'll entertain the kids...

Who'da thunk it.....a waterpark indoors?!?

Indoors...not dealing with the elements! Cool, Huh?

Yep complete with exhiarating slides and all. The eldest monkey boy and I were swirling around in that green and white stripped jobbie there! Awesome fun...we had to do it twice.

Not the best picture, but this is the outside area of the tornado. The eldest monkey boy, the husband and I were out here swirling around on this. It was great fun. I can't wait to do it again.

Not so intuitive afterall!

2007-12-23T13:26:00.000-06:00

Luckily there was no intuition going on....the boys are home safe and happy! Couldn't ask for anything more.

Intuition?

2007-12-22T15:34:00.000-06:00

Anyone that knows me, knows that I'm having a difficult time while my boys are visiting their bio. dad. I have this crazy fear that he's going to hurt them or hide them from me. I believe he's no longer thinking about me like he used to. He used to be obsessed with me and obsessed with exacting revenge on me. He spent a great deal of energy stalking me, finding the meanest, most hurtful things to say to me, threatening me, scaring me, etc. These are no longer his hobbies. He has moved on. He has remarried. So why do I still have these fears. I used to just dismiss them as they would pop into my head realizing it's just habit to worry like this and trust that they'd be ok. What else can I do. It's his right to see the boys. They enjoy going to see him. So I put my big girl panties on and deal with it. But, the other day as I was painting our office not even thinking about the boys really, I had this thought 'those boys are never coming home'. *shock* It was like some sort of intuition. I had the same type of thought weeks before I went to the doctor to find that the fetus in my womb didn't have a heartbeat. The thought played in my head 'we lost the baby'. So needless to say this freaked me out when this came true last time and now I'm having a similar thought but about the boys. So could this be some type of premonition or intuition? Or is it just old programming from the monster who happens to be the boys bio dad. He used to threaten me with the boys when we were still married. This is one thing that kept me from divorcing him sooner. I was scared of what he would do to the boys. I honestly feared he'd take them away, hide them, hurt them...anything to hurt me. So I was programmed to have this fear, which worked in his favor for quite some time. I wonder if that is the source of this? As for the pregnancy loss, I did have some concerns in the beginning, but by the 10th week I felt everything was ok and was no longer worried. So I still think those thoughts show that on some level I knew something wasn't right. Is that Intuition?

Under 'the mask'

2007-12-21T10:39:00.000-06:00

Unfortunately, you have to always be aware of the mask a person could be wearing. They could be young or old, man or woman. They wear different masks for different reasons. It could be a person with a mask of a helpful friend, until you really need help. When action is needed to back up those words the mask comes off. You realize they were just words. I believe the most hurtful, life changing, devastating example of this would be the person I chose to have children with. He chose to wear a mask and fool me into thinking he was a different person. He wore the mask of someone I could spend the rest of my life with, that could be my partner and that I would have children with. Slowly pieces of his mask began to fall off. The most revealing was the night before I was to go in to the hospital for the birth of my second son. I knew at that moment something had to be done. But, it took a few more years for me to see this unmasked side come out and be strong enough to actually take the steps. The day I filed for divorce his mask came completely off and I was scared. I had actually been married to a monster and had children with him. I used to say that I had been married to the devil himself and didn't know it. He was abusive to me most of our marriage. I was in denial because he would always put the mask back on. It made it difficult for me to believe what had just happened. I didn't want it to be true so I conveniently lived in denial. He stalked me for years after the divorce. He tormented me and used the love I have for my children against me. He tried to turn them against me by telling them lies. He actually had my oldest son really confused for a while. Due to him not following the court orders for visitation he lost his visitation rights for 2 years. He did not see them from the summer of 2005 until the summer of 2007. I think these 2 years were critical in rebuilding my relationship with my oldest son. I don't believe he'll be confused about me again. He's old enough and wise enough to decipher the truth from the lies. But, the monster has regained visitation.

Now since I was not aware of 'the mask' back in 1995 two of the most important people in my life are with the person I dislike and distrust the most for a Christmas visit. It's very hard for me to not worry about them. Over the years he has threatened so many times to take them from me that I still have a fear that he will follow through with that. I try to keep myself busy and just trust that on December 23rd at noon they are where they are supposed to be so that I can bring them home where they belong.

Pace yourself woman!

2007-12-20T16:02:00.000-06:00

Ok, apparently I have an issue with pacing myself. Really, I know this. I wake up and have a to-do list a mile long. I usually plan to get done in one day what should realistically take a few or more. For example, today my plans were to touch up the paint in our office. I painted it at the end of September, but circumstances beyond my control prevented me from finishing it up. I also planned to do an upper body weight work out. I wanted to bake a quiche for breakfast. Getting laundry caught up was also part of the plan (only a couple loads). In Septemeber we also bought new furniture for the office. It still sits in our garage half assembled. This was also on the agenda. Finally, I wanted to make a trip to the health food store to pick up some gluten free cookies to use in a recipe for Christmas.

It's 4:11pm and I have so far....
1.) Did my upper body weight workout
2.) Baked the breakfast quiche
3.) Washed one load of laundry (it still hasn't made it to the dryer yet)
4.) Touched up the paint in the office

Soooooo the furniture assembly and trip to the health food store still remains on the list. Depending on how late they are open I may still make it to the health food store. But, I think I have to accept that the furniture will remain as is until tomorrow. A lot of my issue is underestimating how long it will take me to complete each task. The other issue is I'd like to believe I'm She-Ra. Wonder if this is a woman thing? My partner who is of the male persuasion is much better at this type of planning.

Pictures to follow of the new and improved office.

Sugar in excess

2007-12-19T21:46:00.000-06:00

My monkey boys had the best, sugar overloaded, party day at school today. Their parties were timed in such a way that I was able to participate in both. The youngest had PJ's and pancakes for the theme. So they had pancakes, cookies, cupcakes, hot chocolate, sugar, sugar, sugar!! I looked over at him at one point and asked him if he was wired on sugar. He said 'Mayyybeeee' with a wild sugar induced look. Next I found myself with my eldest watching him consume large amounts of junk as well. Then it was the gift exchange. Apparently Axe products are all the rage with the 6th grade boys! Who'da thunk it. But, I guess they do need to begin to tame that wild smell for the girlies they are starting to notice *sigh* It was so much fun watching them interact in their daily environment with all their friends and teachers. But, I will be glad for the end of the holidays so we can go back to normal amounts of sugar consumption. It seems we have been on a sugar diet since Thanksgiving...it's been one event and excuse for sugar after another.

9 years ago today

2007-12-17T21:32:00.001-06:00

The cutest little blue eyed baby boy was born on this day 9 years ago and I'm lucky enough to be his mom. From birth until he was about a year old there seemed to be an issue of some sort with this little guy. First his cord was wrapped around him which caused quite a scare. Then he had so much congestion that they had to take him to the nursery and suction him out so he could breath right. I didn't get to see him for the first few hours of his life because of this. Then once we were home he became very jaundiced. He had to be wrapped in a glowing blanket which made him look like a little glow worm. Daily a nurse would come over to take blood to test his billirubin levels by taking blood from his heel. He was none too happy about this activity. All this going on around Christmas time. Next was the scare that he had club feet, off to Scottish Rite we went. My pediatrician was being overly cautious and it was only the way he was scrunched up in utero and his feet were fine. They just needed a little time to stretch out. At this same time it was also noted that his frenulum which secures his tongue to the floor of his mouth was short. It's often referred to as a tongue tie. It caused him no feeding issues so it was left alone at this time. All this and my baby was less than a week old! *whew* Exhausting while caring for a 2-1/2 year old at the same time and a baby-ass man who might as well have been a 3rd child. Next major ordeal came at less than 6 weeks old when he ran a fever higher than they 'like to see', off to Children's Hospital we go. They suspected spinal meningitis. This entailed blood draw, urine gathered via a catheter and a spinal tap. The spinal tap sent him into shock. The tech handed my baby back to me and I could have sworn he was dead. He was white as a ghost and limp. OMG! Everyone cleared the room except someone cleaning up. I immediately ordered him to get the doctor. The doctor returned and gave him fluids in his already hooked up IV (thank God). It took some time, but he returned to normal. They finally sent us home about 5am. All the results weren't back yet so they gave him some IV antibiotics just in case and sent us home as there were no beds available. *sigh* All of that for nothing...everything came back normal. But, I'd rather have tested than not and then he ended up having spinal meningitis. That was a life changing experience though. I really started looking at what was important. My job, that up to that point, I had given most of my energy to became secondary. My family was my new focus. At 3 months old this little baby would not hold his head up when he was pulled to sitting position. This was yet another alarm. We did a CAT scan and various tests to determine he had hypotonia (low muscle tone). But, prior to this diagnosis I was scared to death 'cause it could have meant so much more. Luckily 12 months of physical therapy made all the difference for him. The final major issue with him was at 14 months old he wasn't uttering a word. Upon further examination he had fluid behind his eardrum and wasn't hearing much. He had tubes put in and at the same time had his tongue tie clipped to avoid any possible speech problems. Within a week he started saying those words every mommy wants to hear, 'mama'. From then on he has just been nothing but fantastic. It was a rough first year, but now he is the brightest 9 year old around. He's also turned out to be athletic, not a sign of low muscle tone. He is also very healthy.

I have to say though, he's probably got my strange luck. Somehow a bug flew at his eye and a piece of the wing broke off and embedded itself by his iris. So today, on his 9th birthday, he had to see the opthamologist about it. She numbed his eye and removed the foreign object!!! In his courageous style he sat still and let the doctor take care of what had to be taken care of.

I'm so proud of my cute little blue eyed monkey boy :)

ETA: It may seem as if I wasn't so proud until the rough year was over. I felt it should be said, I thought he was perfect from the moment I saw him.

If it's not one thing, it's your mother

2007-12-13T10:56:00.001-06:00

I have serious 'mother' issues. Actually, my mother has serious issues which causes me to have issues with her. I have tried over the years to just accept her for who she is and love her 'cause she's my mother. But, finally I realized in doing so I was sacrificing my own values. The values I have for the way I treat others and expect to be treated in return.

A little history....my mother and father divorced when I was really young, about 3 years old. By the time I was 4 she married my abusive, alcoholic step father. My father died when I was 9 years old. My grandmother who I was very close to died 3 years later when I was 12. That same year my mother divorced the aforementioned abusive, alcoholic step father. So by the time I was 13 I had serious teen hormones and issues. My mother never spoke of my father's or my grandmother's death. She never took me to visit their graves. These are 2 very important people that I lost as a child, unable to make sense of any of it. I was left to my own devices to figure it all out. The result was a child that learned to stuff all her feelings down and never speak of them. I learned that it was not ok to discuss these things. If I ever brought them up it was made very clear that she would not discuss them with me. Along with losing my father, I lost all of his family as well. I never spoke to another family member after his funeral. This would prove to be another subject my mother would not discuss with me. All through my teen years I struggled. I started doing drugs, skipping school just acting out. I was starved for attention. All of this was going on while my mother was consumed with dating. She left me home alone most nights. Her main goal was to find a man. My mother tried to pawn me off on anyone she could. She sent me to a program for girls with psychological issues. It was a 30 day program where we rode on a bus to Big Bend stopping at campsites along the way. We ultimately ended up at Big Bend where we hiked and camped. During this 30 days we had 24/7 counseling. It didn't work. Then she tried more drastic measures and sent me to a camp for girls with psychological issues. I lived in a tent that was built from trees we cut down. We cooked over an open fire. We cut down trees and chopped our own wood for cooking and various projects around our campsite. It was very primitive living. This also consisted of 24/7 counseling. We went to school year round. I lived there for 1-1/2 years. We would get to go home 1 weekend a month. Once I got a chance to go home in addition to this 1 weekend for good behavior. I didn't get to because my mother was going to be on a ski trip with her boyfriend. Once I got home I was a different person. I hated to be indoors. I would sit outside on our back patio and do my homework. I thought more about my future and didn't just live for today. I was still doing drugs, but not as much. I was really working on making good grades at school. I had so many credits that I was able to take 3 classes a day and participate in the work program. I would leave before lunch and go to my job as a waitress at the pizza joint close to my home. My mother even as I was being a better kid tried to pawn me off on her best friend and her husband. I lived with them for 2 weeks. Every day I called my mom begging her to let me come home. I often wonder what my life would have been like had I stayed with them. They were so kind to take me in like they did. They were willing to take me in at 16 and treat me like one of their own. Finally, after weeks of begging I was able to go back home. I had a really bad experience the summer after I graduated with drugs and vowed to never touch them again. This was a turning point in my life. From that point on I began making positive changes in my life. Every year I became a better person.

When I was 25 I read a life changing book 'You Can Heal Your Life'. I had a true epiphany. Oprah refers to this as an 'aha moment'. I had one. The premise of the book is that you are in control of your life. It doesn't matter what has happened to you in your past or who did what to you. You are the one that controls your future. I followed the principals in this book and over time discovered that it was completely true. Ironically enough, my mother gave me this book. After I read it I wanted her and my sister to have the same epiphany. I bought them each a copy and spoke to them about the principals and how they worked and raved about how wonderfully empowering it was. They never had the same aha moment.

My mother and my sister love to wallow in their own self pity. Over the years I have tried to help them both. They don't want my help. I believe they have grown resentful of me for it.

My mother has always favored my sister. She never once tried to pawn her off. I always just accepted this. In 1996 my first son was born. Immediately I noticed the same favortism shown to my niece who was 13 months old. I had accepted whatever crumb of affection my mother threw my way, but when it came to my son, that wasn't gonna fly. So when he was a year old I confronted her with the favoritism. She didn't speak to me for 6 months. She missed his second Christmas. By Easter I could not stand it anymore and I called her. Of course acting like nothing had ever happened. That's the only way I'd be thrown more crumbs. I decided that this was just how she was and I would have to accept it. This continued for years. Favoritism towards my sister and my niece. She would always explain that she helped my sister more 'cause she was a single mom. Ok...sure...that sounds like a good excuse. Well then it so happened that I was divorced and now a single mom. I needed her help. I called her up to ask her to watch my boys for me. I was going to bring them to her on my way to work and pick them up on my way home. As I hear my niece in the background squealing she tells me no. Again, I asked her why she would watch her and not my boys when I needed it. She quickly told me she was not going to argue with me and thanked me for ruining her night. After that all I heard was *click* Again we went a really long time without speaking. I again was the one to call her up after a great amount of time passed and acted like nothing was wrong. This happened 2 more times and I have finally decided that I just can't sacrifice my values to have a relationship with my mother. It is very sad to me. I think of her daily and wish it were different. But, it just isn't.

Now I could sit around and feel sorry for myself, because I have absolutely no extended family. I have had terrible tragedies in my life. I have struggled. I have been treated bad. Instead I choose to celebrate the wonderful things in my life. My husband who is gorgeous, kind, considerate, intelligent, loving, fun and damn good in the sack. My children who are very loving, bright, kind, intelligent and fun. My career. Although it's not fulfilling right now I have hope that it will be in the future. It has allowed me to provide for myself and my family very well. My dogs who are loyal, loving and playful. I have so many things in life to celebrate. I am very proud of myself that despite all of this I have raised 2 very well adjusted children, have a great relationship with my husband and a high paying job that makes me think. I just look at the bumps in the road as lessons which have made me stronger.

Jacked up dental hygiene

2007-12-10T18:44:00.000-06:00

Ok, 'jacked up' is my youngest monkey boy's favorite new saying. Soooo since this is all about him I thought I'd use his new favorite phrase. He has some serious jacked up dental hygiene. Myself or the wonderful Step Dad will say 'Did you brush your teeth?' The boy will reply 'Yes'. Later in the day we will get a gander at said boy's teeth and notice that there is no way those teeth have been brushed the previous day much less that day! On my weekly Wal Mart beating I was so excited to find a tooth brush that plays a song for 2 minutes to encourage good brushing habits. I read the package and it sounded like just what my boy needs. So I scooped up 2 (to be fair) and went on my merry way. When I presented the wonderful purchse to the offspring my eldest starts questioning what song it plays. THAT never even crossed my mind. I assumed it was some catchy tune to keep the brushin' goin'. Upon close examination the song is not in our native language, rather it's in Spanish. Unfortunately, in this casa we are not bilingual. Remember, I read the package, not a single word en español (well excpet for the tiny song name that I didn't see). Who'da thought the song would be. But, good thing my monkey boys have a good sense of humor and they are brusing away. So far so good with the youngest. He brushed this morning without being asked. One down, many more brushing days to go.

Check it out they have many songs to choose from. Mabye they'll get a stocking stuffer with a song they know Tooth Tunes

Dilbert and Reality

2007-12-09T12:18:00.000-06:00

This is my life. I'm in agile hell. My career doesn't bring me the fulfillment it used to. Here it is, another Sunday and I'm thinking about going back to the agile environment. To create a visual...I now sit in a big room with 6 big tables. We each have enough space for our computer. There are 2 phones in the room that are shared by the 9 of us. I'm the only female. I'm one of 2 Americans. The remainder are from India. There is no privacy. You can't so much as crunch an apple without the whole room being disturbed. But, it's not alllll doom and gloom. I will exist in this environment for 3 more days. I then begin my 20 day vacation!!! The first quarter of 2008 bring a couple of other opportunities that may pan out which would save me from this environment that doesn't seem to fit me. If neither of these work out I will have to consider more drastic measures.

And this cartoon from today is an example of my former reality. It certainly seems as though Scott Adams lurks the halls of my office. I have heard these exact words that I would not be held to the estimate. At least I had the foresight to not provide any number to the person standing at my desk tapping their foot. I saw many before me held accountable for any number that managed to escape their lips during such inquisition. Again, this was my former reality....it was the facade of me having input into deadlines. Now, deadlines are assigned and just passed down to me from people who have no clue what it takes to acheive said deadline.

I plan to spend 20 days deciding what I want to be when I grow up....not sure this is it.

2007-12-04T18:03:00.001-06:00

You Are a Gingerbread House

A little spicy and a little sweet, anyone would like to be lost in the woods with you.

What Holiday Food Are You?

Health

2007-12-04T08:50:00.001-06:00

I think my idea of health is very different from most people I know. I have a very high standard for my health. I think I should feel good all the time without any help from a pain reliever, antihistamine, decongestant, antidepressant or any drug for that matter. Most of the people I am around are happy to make it through a day. Usually making it through the day also involves at least one or two of the above mentioned pills. This high standard for my own health has led me down a path of much resistance. I have also come to learn that our health care industry is not really interested in us being well. If we were well that would negatively affect their pocketbooks. The pharmaceutical industries pocketbooks would be similarly affected.

After the birth of my second son I found myself with a low functioning thyroid. I went to several doctors. Each one tried to prescribe me some type of antidepressant. I just had a baby so I had to be suffering from postpartum depression. No I was depressed because I gained 20 lbs in a very short period of time, my damn hair was falling out and I had the energy level of a sloth. Hello?? I don't need antidepressants. I did finally find a doctor who recognized that my thyroid was not functioning normally. My numbers were not dramatically low, but they were low for me. I believe there is a time and a place for medicine. For me, now was the time and the place. I began taking Armour thyroid which was supposed to be the most natural way to go pharmaceutically. My thyroid remained balanced according to my doctor with this medication for 7 years. But, I still never felt really well. I went to my doctor many times and I was the healthiest sick feeling person ever. She never found anything from a medical test that would point to my ill feelings: extreme fatigue, numbness in my hands, stiff neck, ringing in my ears, inability to lose weight (the same 20lbs I gained after the birth of my second son). After much experimenting and researching I learned of gluten and it's impact on most peoples health. I learned that mercury in amalgam (silver) fillings negatively affect your health. I also found a doctor that looked at thyroid testing differently. He looked at my numbers and decided that I needed T4 supplementation. The Armour thyroid I had been taking only provided T3. I have eaten a gluten free diet for over a year now. I've been taking the additional T4 supplementation for 3 months. I also had my amalgam (silver) fillings removed. I went through 2 IV chelation treatments to remove heavy metals from my body. I now have energy, my hands no longer go numb, I still have some ringing in my ears, but it has gotten much better and I'm losing weight. Why did it take me so long to put all these pieces of the puzzle together?

There is a lot of talk of health care reform. I believe our health care should be reformed to really focus on health and preventative care. Patients need guidance to maintain health. If they do become ill they need guidance in getting their bodies back in balance. They don't always need a prescription to throw their bodies further out of balance. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. I would love to figure out how to make a difference in this area. I struggled for so long to just feel well. I wish all doctors would think of all possibilities. Doctor's should teach the importance of nutrition. Most medical doctors are so reluctant to think of alternative treatments. In my case, these 'alternative' treatments are what made the big difference. But, it's a 2 way street. A patient has to truly want to be healthy. They can't just be in the market for another quick fix. It has taken discipline and determination on my part to reach this level of health. I continue to pursue 100% health.

Brrrrrr

2007-12-04T07:41:00.000-06:00

Still no word on the CX7. Not sure what's wrong with the ride, but at least I have a loaner if I wanna use it. I chose to not use it today and work from home again. The eldest offspring, monkey boy was certain that this meant we would be getting a new car. Spoiled! The car is only a year old. Crazy kid...you can tell he doesn't pay any bills yet.

I'm trying to adjust to the sporadic temperatures....let's see Sunday it was over 70 degrees. Yesterday we woke up to the 30's. I had turned the heater way down since it was so warm on Sunday. We were all freezing. This morning we wake up to 31 degrees, but I can't get too comfy in that big sweater just yet. It'll be a balmy 71 degrees this afternoon they're saying! What in the ham sandwhich? How is my body supposed to adjust to such extremes. It's December...it should be cold and stay cold. But, this is Texas so maybe that doesn't apply.

Done ranting about the weather for today. I'm off to cook some breakfast. Then it's unit testing for me. Tonight I have to help with science fair projects and book reports. I'm sure there will also be a sprinkling of math homework to check as well.

Crazy Train

2007-12-03T06:56:00.001-06:00

Yesterday sucked aathhhh. Could have named this post 'roller coaster' too. Hormones....wheeeee. But, today is a new day and all is right in my world again. Back to the regularly scheduled program...

I took my 2 offspring to Petsmart yesterday. They have been wanting to take their poodle there since her birthday in October. We spent way too much money on Christmas presents for all 3 dogs??? What in the world was I thinking. It will make the offspring, monkey boys happy on Christmas day. I guess that's what I was thinking. As you can see from the mug shots above the dogs are often used as a form of entertainment around here. On the way home from that lovely excursion my car decided to make an odd sound, smoke and proceed to smell of burned rubber. Soooo today I will get to take my ride in for a check up. Therefore I'll be working from the casa today and hope to be quite productive doing so.

Patience

2007-12-01T10:29:00.001-06:00

The word for today is patience. I will have to summon as much of it as I can possibly muster to make it through the day. I have agreed to watch a friend's children for the night. Her and I have very different parenting styles. Therefore, we have vastly different children. First of all I love children. But, I truly believe children should be taught how to behave and have respect for others. These 2 boys that I'll be watching tonight have not been taught these things. They are starving for attention and have learned to feed on negative attention as opposed to none at all. They have also learned that if they beg enough their parent(s) will eventually give in to their whiny demands. They act much better when they are here with just us and their parents are not around. But, they still stretch my patience to the limit sometimes. I have a low tolerance for whining, bickering and complaining. Can't we all just get along and be happy?? So why am I watching them if it is such a chore.

My friend and her husband have a Christmas party to go to.
She is very kind to watch my boys anytime I need her to.
Just maybe spending time with our family will have a positive impact on their lives.

Roller coaster

2007-11-30T13:15:00.000-06:00

I feel like I've been on an emotional roller coaster for the last 2 months. I think the train has finally pulled into the station so that I can step off *whew* Once again I'm learning how strong I am. I'm learning to live with yet another loss in my life. I know these things make me stronger, but it's a bitch going through it.

We weren't trying to get pregnant
Surprise! We're pregnant
Complete change in future plans
Excited thinking of a new little member joining our family
10 week doctor's appointment only to hear 'no cardiac activity'
Left with the emotional and medical aftermath of miscarriage
Looking to the future knowing we will try again
Happy that I'm married to my best friend
Fortunate to have 2 of the most intelligent, well-behaved children
Life is good with ups and downs along the way